How to Prepare for Family Mediation: What to Expect in a Joint Meeting

Preparation for a joint family mediation meeting discussing child arrangements and financial matters

Preparing for a joint mediation meeting can help you feel calmer and more ready for the conversation. Mediation gives you both the chance to speak, listen, and start working through things in a structured and supported way.

You might hear things you do not agree with, or things that feel uncomfortable. That’s part of the process. Most people feel a bit unsure before the first meeting, and many find it easier than they expected once it gets going.

The aim is not to agree on everything. It’s to understand where each of you is coming from and begin looking at what might work going forward.

What is a joint mediation meeting?

A joint mediation meeting is a structured conversation led by a neutral mediator. It usually takes place online, often by Zoom, but it can also be face to face. In some situations, it may take place in a shuttle format, where you are not speaking directly to each other and the mediator moves between you.

The meeting may focus on:

  • child arrangements
  • financial matters
  • other issues following separation

You will both have the chance to speak and be heard. The mediator manages the discussion so it stays calm and balanced, and makes sure neither of you dominates the conversation.

The aim is to:

  • understand each other’s concerns
  • identify the main issues
  • start exploring possible proposals

You stay in control of any decisions. The mediator will not take sides, give legal advice, or tell you what to do.

What usually happens in a joint session?

  • a short introduction from the mediator
  • time for each of you to speak without interruption
  • agreement on what needs to be discussed
  • a guided discussion around those points
  • looking at possible options and next steps

It does not have to be perfect or fully resolved in one meeting. Often the first session is about getting things out on the table and starting the process.

1. Practical preparation before the session

A bit of practical preparation can make the session feel much smoother.

If your meeting is online:

  • check the meeting link beforehand
  • make sure your internet connection is stable
  • test your camera and microphone
  • join a few minutes early
  • find a quiet, private space
  • put your phone on silent if you can
  • have water nearby and make yourself comfortable

If your meeting is face to face:

  • check the address in advance
  • plan your journey
  • aim to arrive a few minutes early
2. Preparing what you want to discuss
  • jot down the main issues you want to raise
  • think about what matters most to you
  • consider what a workable outcome might look like
  • note down any ideas or options, even if they are not fully formed

You don’t need to have everything worked out. It’s very normal to come in with some uncertainty.

If your case involves children:

  • think about their day-to-day routine
  • what works for them practically
  • what helps them feel settled and secure

If your case involves finances:

  • be ready to talk about the general picture
  • you don’t need full documents at this stage unless asked
3. Your approach to the meeting
  • be open to listening, even if you don’t agree
  • keep some focus on moving things forward
  • stay open to different ways of resolving things
  • be realistic about compromise
4. Ground rules in mediation
  • speak respectfully
  • let each other finish speaking
  • avoid personal attacks
  • stay focused on the issues
  • give each other space to contribute
5. Communication during the session
  • speak at your own pace
  • listen before responding
  • speak from your own point of view
6. Managing disagreement
  • pause before responding
  • focus on the issue rather than the person
  • let the mediator guide things if needed
7. Managing emotions during mediation
  • take a moment before speaking
  • slow things down
  • focus on what you want to say

You can say:

  • “I need a moment to think”
  • “Can we pause for a minute?”
8. Confidentiality in mediation

Mediation is a confidential process. What is discussed generally stays within mediation.

9. Questions you may want to ask before the meeting
  • how the session will run
  • how long it will last
  • whether breaks are possible
  • what happens if things become difficult
  • whether the meeting will be joint or shuttle
  • whether you need to bring anything
10. Taking part in mediation

Mediation works best when both people are willing to take part.

Final points to keep in mind
  • you stay in control of decisions
  • you don’t have to agree to anything you’re not comfortable with
  • you don’t need to make decisions during the meeting
  • it’s okay to take your time
  • focus on what might work going forward

Mediation is there to support a constructive conversation and help you explore possible ways forward. Throughout the process, including between sessions, you are free to seek independent legal advice if you wish. This can help you better understand your position and any proposals being discussed. The mediator will guide the process and keep the discussion balanced, but will not provide legal advice. Taking advice alongside mediation can help you feel more informed and confident as you move forward.

 

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

Case Study: Finding a Way Forward After Years of Conflict

Illustration showing a separated couple pulling tangled threads apart, representing resolving conflict through family mediation

Life Before the Breakdown

Imran and Sana spent more than a decade building their life together. They raised four children and ran several small businesses – a post office, convenience stores and rental units linked to their commercial property. Their finances were fully intertwined. Everything depended on them working as a unit.

When the relationship broke down in 2021, that structure fell apart quickly. Conflict escalated. Solicitors became involved. Police were called. A non-molestation order followed, along with periods of bail conditions. Children matters moved into court. The children were eventually placed with Imran, while Sana’s contact became supervised. That process is still ongoing.

The financial side went nowhere. Over almost five years, two separate consent orders were drafted and rejected by the court. Around £137,000 was spent on legal fees. Nothing resolved. By the time they reached mediation, both were exhausted and stuck.

I became involved at this point, after years of litigation had failed to move things forward. By the time mediation was suggested, the conflict was entrenched, trust was low, and both were carrying the weight of a process that had drained them emotionally and financially.

A Complex Financial Picture

The paperwork showed how difficult their situation really was. There was a family home with a large mortgage, a commercial property in Sana’s name with a long-standing charge, three businesses with significant valuations, and rental income tied directly to the premises. Debts exceeded £250,000, including a Funding Circle loan of more than £70,000 and historic HMRC arrears.

Years of conflict had damaged their credit history. Selling assets was not straightforward. Any move risked destabilising both households.

Despite everything, they still relied on each other financially. The businesses only worked with shared involvement. Without that, neither could manage alone. This was not about dividing assets cleanly. It was about working out how two people who could no longer live together could still keep a fragile system afloat.

Coming to Mediation

Sana contacted Salam Mediation first. She sounded drained, but not defeated. Imran was hesitant, which was understandable given the history. He agreed after the court recommended mediation.

On paper, this was the sort of case many mediators would decline. Court orders, high conflict, financial interdependence, and a long trail of failed legal attempts. But when I listened, I heard fear and exhaustion rather than hostility. Turning them away would have sent them straight back into the same cycle.

Early Meetings: Slowing Things Down

The early sessions focused on listening. They explained how the businesses ran and how decisions had been made. Sana spoke about feeling excluded from financial matters. Imran described the pressure of holding everything together as the relationship deteriorated.

Much of what they shared came from emotion rather than clarity. My role was to slow the pace and separate the two, so the information underneath could be understood.

That alone changed something. Not trust in each other, but trust in the process. For the first time in years, there was space to talk without things escalating.

Creating a Shared Picture

The Open Financial Statement shifted the dynamic. Seeing everything laid out side by side made it clear that many of their arguments were not really about the numbers. They were about fear and uncertainty.

Once the figures were visible and agreed, the tone changed. They stopped reacting and started thinking. Practical conversations became possible.

Proposals and Legal Advice

With that clarity, they could explore realistic proposals. Any settlement had to protect both households and allow the businesses to continue operating. I recorded their proposals in a Memorandum of Understanding.

Both were anxious about involving solicitors again. Previous experiences had been bruising. This time, the meetings were calmer. Focused. Grounded in a shared understanding of how their finances actually worked.

It became clear that without context, legal advice risked missing the reality of the businesses. That led to the next step.

The Hybrid Mediation Session

We arranged a short hybrid mediation session with both solicitors present. I explained how the businesses operated, how income flowed between them, and why certain decisions mattered for stability.

Without that explanation, advice would have been based on assumption rather than fact. This session kept things aligned and prevented progress from unravelling.

Finalising the Settlement

After legal advice, the consent order was drafted and the D81 completed. By mid-November – less than three weeks after mediation began – everything was ready for court.

Given the history, that still stands out to me.

The Court Hearing

The financial hearing had been listed for two days. It concluded in around twenty minutes.

Nearly five years of litigation ended once the situation was properly understood.

Afterwards, during a follow-up call, Imran said quietly, “I wish we had tried mediation at the very beginning.”

Closing Reflection

If I had focused only on the surface – the court orders, the bail history, the financial entanglement – it would have been easy to say this case was unsuitable. Many mediators would have reached that decision, reasonably.

But listening beyond the conflict showed something else. Beneath the anger sat fear, exhaustion and a wish to move on. They did not need someone to validate their positions. They needed space and structure long enough for clarity to return.

This case did not resolve because it was simple. It resolved because, for the first time, they were able to think clearly and communicate without the noise of ongoing conflict.

For Imran and Sana, mediation did not just resolve a financial dispute.
It gave them a way forward that litigation never had.

This article is based on a real case handled by Salam Mediation. All names and identifying details have been changed to protect confidentiality.

 

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

Why Your Financial Settlement Matters: A Simple Message After LIN v PAR

Illustration of two people signing and stamping a financial settlement document with a law book on the table.

Why Your Financial Settlement Matters

The recent LIN v PAR [2025] case has made a lot of people think twice about how they handled things when they separated. It involved a couple who had been apart for more than twenty years. They genuinely thought their finances were sorted. They moved on, built new lives, and never expected anything from the past to return. But because their financial settlement was never completed properly, the door was still open. A claim was made years later, and the whole thing had to be revisited.

This kind of situation is more common than people realise. Many couples agree things informally and believe that is enough. It feels calm and respectful at the time. But the law doesn’t see it as final until it becomes a sealed order. Without that, the past can sit quietly in the background.

What Went Wrong

In their case, they had reached an agreement, but nothing was taken to court. No sealed order. No clean break in the legal sense. So even after two decades of separate lives, one person was still able to bring a financial claim. It isn’t about blame. They didn’t know. Most people don’t.

Why This Affects People Now

When I speak with clients, many say things like:

  • “We agreed everything ourselves.”

  • “We didn’t want anything formal.”

  • “We get on fine; we don’t need that level of paperwork.”

But informal arrangements don’t close financial rights. Life changes. People buy homes, pensions grow, someone inherits money, or takes on new responsibilities. These things can be pulled into a dispute later if the finances were never finalised. Even if both people had good intentions at the time.

A sealed financial order is what closes it.

How Mediation Helps

Mediation gives you time and space to go through your finances properly. No rush, no pressure. You lay out what you have, what you owe, and what you need moving forward. You talk it through in a way that keeps things steady. Most people find that once everything is on the table, it becomes easier to make practical decisions.

You reach proposals together. After that, a solicitor can prepare the order for the court to seal. That step is what protects both of you. Even people who get on well benefit from doing this properly. It avoids misunderstandings later.

If mediation doesn’t resolve everything, there are other ways to sort things without going straight to court. The Family Court actively encourages people to try non-court routes first. Court should only come in when nothing else works.

Why a Clean Break Matters

A clean break gives you clarity. You know where you stand. You know your future finances are yours, and your past won’t suddenly reappear later. It allows both of you to move forward with confidence. The LIN v PAR case is simply a reminder of what can happen when something important is left unfinished.

A Simple Thought to End On

If you separated recently or even years ago, it might be worth checking where things stand. You may have reached an agreement at the time, but it may not have been completed formally. Sorting it out now doesn’t have to be complicated. Mediation gives you a calm way to deal with it and then put it on a secure footing.

If you’re unsure, we can talk it through. It’s better to know than to be caught by surprise later.

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

TOLATA and Property Disputes: Rights for Unmarried Couples and How Mediation Can Help

Vector illustration of a house split in two with a man and woman sitting apart, symbolising separation and property disputes under TOLATA.

Many couples live together for years, sharing a home, raising children and building a life side by side. When that relationship ends, one of the hardest questions often follows: what happens to the home we lived in?

This is where many people are caught by surprise. They assume that living together creates legal rights, sometimes called a “common law marriage.” In England and Wales, no such protection exists. If you are not married or in a civil partnership, your rights over property are much more limited.

Instead, disputes over property ownership are usually dealt with under a law called the Trusts of Land and Appointment of Trustees Act 1996 — TOLATA for short. It gives the courts power to decide who owns what share of a property, and in some cases, whether it should be sold.

At Salam Mediation, we often meet people who are shocked to find out how different the rules are for unmarried couples. We also see how quickly arguments about property can turn bitter, especially if children are involved. Mediation gives you a safer and calmer way to sort things out.

What is TOLATA and Who Does it Affect?

TOLATA applies when people disagree about property ownership. It is most common with separating unmarried couples, but it can also affect friends, relatives, or even business partners who own property together.

Examples include:

  • A house is in one partner’s name, but the other has helped pay the mortgage.

  • Both names are on the deeds, but the couple disagree about their shares.

  • Parents or relatives have contributed money to buy a property and later want that contribution recognised.

Think of it like this: if your name isn’t on the deeds but you’ve invested time, money or effort into the home, you may still feel you have a right to it. TOLATA is the framework the court uses to decide if you do.

TOLATA vs Family Court: What’s the Difference?

Married couples and unmarried couples are treated very differently under the law.

Married / Civil PartnersUnmarried Couples (TOLATA)
Apply to Family Court for a financial settlementApply to Civil Court under TOLATA
Court considers the whole financial picture — property, pensions, savings, debts, children’s needsCourt only considers property ownership and rights of occupation
Judge can redistribute assets to achieve fairnessJudge has narrow powers: decide shares, order sale, or allow occupation


This difference catches many people out. Married couples can ask the court to look at “fairness.” Unmarried couples cannot — the court only looks at property law.

What the Court Considers under TOLATA

When a judge decides a TOLATA claim, they look at:

  • Intentions of the parties — Did you both intend the home to be shared, even if only one name is on the deeds?

  • Financial contributions — Deposits, mortgage payments, renovations, or covering household bills.

  • Non-financial contributions — Raising children or looking after the home, which freed the other partner to earn.

  • Purpose of the property — Was it bought as a family home or as an investment?

  • Children’s welfare — If children live there, this can affect who stays in the property.

Two famous cases show how the law works:

  • Stack v Dowden (2007) — A couple jointly owned their home but contributed unequally. The court decided they did not automatically own it 50/50.

  • Jones v Kernott (2011) — After separation, one partner stopped contributing. The court reduced their share, showing that behaviour after separation matters.

Going to Court under TOLATA

If people cannot agree, one of them can make a TOLATA claim in the civil court.

It usually begins with a formal letter setting out the claim. If the dispute isn’t resolved, court proceedings follow, with evidence, hearings, and possibly a trial.

Court cases are not quick or cheap. They often take more than a year, and legal costs can easily reach £20,000 to £50,000 for each person. On top of that, the losing side may have to pay the other’s costs.

This is why judges strongly encourage people to try mediation first.

Mediation vs TOLATA Court

Court (TOLATA)Mediation
Judge decidesYou decide
Expensive (£25k–£50k each)Affordable (£1k–£2.5k total)
Long (18–24 months)Quicker (2–4 months)
Adversarial and stressfulConfidential and constructive
Limited outcomesFlexible — for example, delaying a sale until children finish school


Mediation doesn’t mean giving in. It means sitting down with a neutral person to find practical solutions that work for both of you.

How Mediation Works in TOLATA Disputes

At Salam Mediation, we guide you through a simple process:

  1. MIAM (Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting) — each of you meets the mediator separately to explain your situation.

  2. Agenda setting — together we decide what to focus on first, whether that’s ownership, sale, buy-out or timing.

  3. Joint sessions — discussions take place in a safe and neutral space. If tensions are high, “shuttle” mediation can be used so you don’t have to sit in the same room.

  4. Exploring proposals — each side puts forward ideas. The mediator helps keep things fair and constructive.

  5. Written outcome — any proposals are recorded. If you both agree, they can be made legally binding through a Consent Order.

Everything said in mediation is confidential. Nothing can be used in court if mediation does not succeed.

Preventing Future Disputes

Some simple steps can save a lot of heartache later:

  • Sign a Cohabitation Agreement when you move in together.

  • Make a Declaration of Trust when you buy property.

  • Keep records of financial contributions, including household bills and renovations.

  • Talk openly about ownership and expectations early on.

Why Choose Salam Mediation?

Property disputes are not just about bricks and mortar. They are about people’s lives, security and children’s futures.

At Salam Mediation we offer:

  • Accessible support — we can often see you at short notice.

  • Affordable sessions compared to the cost of going to court.

  • Inclusive practice — we are faith-sensitive, culturally aware, and respectful of diverse communities.

  • Bilingual services — fluent in English and Bengali, with Portuguese and other languages available.

We provide impartial, professional mediation that helps you move forward with dignity.

Frequently Asked Questions

Do I have rights if my name isn’t on the deeds?
You might. If you’ve contributed financially or there was an understanding that the home would be shared, you could have a claim under TOLATA.

How long does mediation take?
Most cases are resolved in 2 to 4 months. Court can take more than a year.

Can mediation agreements be legally binding?
Yes. A solicitor can turn your mediated proposals into a Consent Order, approved by the court.

What evidence helps with a TOLATA claim?
Bank statements, mortgage payments, receipts for improvements, and any written or verbal agreements.

Final Thoughts

Unmarried couples do not have the same rights as married couples when they separate. TOLATA provides a legal route, but going to court is usually slow, stressful and expensive.

Mediation gives you a chance to resolve disputes in a calmer, more affordable way — and to reach solutions that actually work for your family.

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

An open letter on the importance of both parents’ contact with their children: A challenging journey for the sake of the children

A young boy sits in a blue play structure, looking curious, while his father smiles warmly at him, surrounded by lush green foliage in an outdoor setting.

Dear parents,

I want to talk to you not as a mediator, not as someone who has worked in family law for more than 15 years and has spoken to many parents, but as a dad – one who has been in your shoes. I’ve been a separated father since my child was born. My son and I have now shared 16 years of growing, bonding, and making memories. It has not always been easy, but we’re very close now. We travel, study, and work together, and I can’t imagine life without him.

This journey hasn’t been easy. Being a separated dad has brought its own struggles, frustrations, and difficulties, but I assure you that it has also been greatly rewarding.

The sad reality is that for some parents who have separated, their children become a means of punishing their ex-spouse. Most, however, care deeply about their children and their welfare, and they will ultimately struggle to ensure that the children have good relations with both parents.

The importance of being there

Divorce or separation can come with a lot of heavy feelings. It’s easy to get lost in the arguments, to feel anger or resentment. The most important thing I’ve learned from my and my ex-wife’s experience and from talking to over 200 parents as a mediator is that your children need you.

No matter what your feelings towards your ex-partner, be sure that your children need both parents. Even if you enter into a new relationship, your children will always need both parents. Don’t imagine that a stepparent will replace their separated parent, even if the children develop over time a good relationship with the stepparent. The connection of parent and child is special, and brings something unique to our lives, a perspective and love that can’t be replaced. Don’t underestimate the impact your presence has on their development and happiness.

Putting your child first

When you’re separated, it’s easy to focus on the struggles between you and your ex-partner. Maybe you’re not seeing your children as much as you’d like, or you feel financially overwhelmed. It can be frustrating and painful. But during such times, please remember your children. They don’t see the conflict as we do, but they are affected by it.

They need our understanding and our love. They need their mum and dad.

Exert yourselves to be there for them – emotionally, physically, and mentally. Show them that, no matter what happens, you’ll always be there for them. Stay committed and stay involved.

The role of mediation

In my work as a mediator, I’ve seen how conflict between parents can affect children. I’ve seen fathers who feel shut out from their children’s lives and mothers who feel overwhelmed. I understand the cultural and emotional challenges that make co-parenting tough, especially in some ethnic communities. But I’ve also seen how mediation can build bridges, helping parents work together for the sake of their children.

When emotions run high and communication breaks down, mediation can offer a safe space to initiate dialogue with focus on the children and ensuring they have a healthy relationship with both parents. Even if it feels impossible now, I urge you to give mediation a chance. It’s not about winning or losing – it’s about ensuring your child grows up knowing they’re loved by both parents.

I know that you can come out of this process with a strong, loving bond with your children and a respectful, supportive relationship to that end with your ex-partner.

The struggle is worth it. Both parents can continue to be significant influences in their children’s lives, to help shape whom they become. Don’t let the difficulties stop you from being the parents they need. Show up. Stay committed. Be present.

Yours sincerely,
A parent and mediator

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

New Family Procedure Rules (FPR): Promoting Out-of-Court Settlements

Illustration of a person carrying a large arrow with a speech bubble saying NCDR, representing Non-Court Dispute Resolution for family conflicts.

The Family Procedure Rules (FPR) were changed in April 2024 to put even greater emphasis on resolving family disputes through Non-Court Dispute Resolution (NCDR), formerly also referred to as Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR).

While some clients prefer going to court, believing that a court verdict carries more weight, there has been a movement in the courts and as directed by legislation, towards resolving family disputes through out-of-court settlements. These are often quicker, less stressful, and less expensive. They have the added benefit of relieving load on the court system.

The new rules require that all family cases be considered for out-of-court resolution.

Non-Court Dispute Resolution (NCDR)

NCDR is resolution achieved through methods other than a court process, consisting of mediation, arbitration, evaluation by a neutral third party, and / or collaborative law.

The new FPR rules mandate court scrutiny of MIAM (Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting) attendance and NCDR activity. Additionally, there is a stronger emphasis on attending a MIAM. While it is still not mandatory, there are now fewer exceptions allowed, and evidence is required for any exemptions claimed.

Gaps between hearings in the court proceedings will be used for ‘judicial nudging’ to encourage MIAM and NCDR. At every court hearing, the judge will be assessing if NCDR is appropriate and if not why not. Clients may be required to engage in NCDR before being allowed to continue with the hearing.

NCDR vs Seeking Resolution Through the Courts

Some clients still prefer going to court to resolve their issues, believing that a judge’s decision holds more weight, however, out-of-court settlements are usually quicker, less stressful and less expensive.

There’s also the personal factor that can lead people to prefer a court hearing. Relationships that have failed may end with hostility between the parties and attempts to resolve outstanding issues result in conflict. The legal system is adversarial, which suits the mood of battling ex-partners.

It also adds to the conflict and the stress experienced by them, and that can have a knock-on effect on the children.

Court Case Load

It should also be noted that the total case load being heard by the courts is so much that there are long delays in getting court dates. According to one assessment the average time to resolution in court is 435 days, compared to 110 days in mediation. The difference in cost was determined to be on average £1000 with mediation, or £30,000 through the courts. Delays are expensive and stressful.

Role of Solicitors and Legal Professionals

As with the public at large, some solicitors prefer a confrontational approach to negotiation, often leading to a court hearing. 

With the new FPR rules placing greater emphasis on NCDR, solicitors are being encouraged to embrace this approach. With the judicial encouragement of NCDR, reluctant solicitors will be required to go along with it. Simple refusal to engage in mediation, or superficial compliance with the requirement will no longer be accepted. Clients must provide detailed justification why they believe NCDR is inappropriate for them. Clients will be required to file with the court their views on using NCDR.

With the applicability of NCDR being reviewed through the different phases of a court hearing, once there is more information about the case before judges they are better able to assess the merit of referring the litigants to NCDR.

Exemptions to the Requirement to Attend MIAMs

The requirement to attend MIAMs is not absolute. Where there is concern about domestic abuse, or if one or both clients are unable to attend meetings, or lack the facilities for remote meetings, exemptions can and will be made.

If there is a suspicion of domestic abuse, the mediator will simply report to the court that NCDR is not appropriate. The mediator will not expose the client by specifying domestic abuse in the report.

The Role of Mediation

For now, mediation is still not mandatory and in specific cases never will be, but there is stronger encouragement to engage in it, and more rigorous proof required to avoid it.

It’s been mentioned before, but is worth repeating that NCDR is cheaper, quicker and less stressful than taking the matter to court.

It’s worth noting that the refusal of one of the parties to attend a MIAM will not be allowed to delay proceedings. A judge will order an assessment, investigation, and report.

Government Mediation Grant

The government has introduced a voucher of up to £500 for child arrangements mediation. This will encourage people to pursue mediation when before they may have been more inclined towards in-person litigation.

 

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

Parental Alienation and Divorce in South Asian Families: A Mediator’s Perspective on Maintaining Parent-Child Bonds

A painting of a parent walking hand-in-hand with two children, their silhouettes illuminated against a warm, glowing backdrop. The reflective surface beneath them creates a sense of connection and hope, symbolising unity and support during challenging times.

Introduction

I have been engaged with family law for the past 15 years, including 4 years as a registered family mediator. My involvement with family law began after my own relationship breakdown and the resulting issues my ex-spouse and I faced.

While I have a culturally varied client base, my own ethnic and religious background has brought me into contact with many clients with backgrounds like mine: South Asians and Muslims.

I have seen that all too often fathers, after divorce, lose contact with their children, and their children then grow up not knowing their fathers. While this can be seen across cultures, it does seem to me to be more pronounced in the South Asian and Muslim communities, where divorce is considered shameful. Consequently, its ramifications are rarely spoken of.

Even when it is discussed, the focus tends to be on the breakdown of the marital relationship, not on the impact it has on the children. I hope that religious and community leaders can be persuaded of the importance of and impact on the rights of children in divorced families, and that they may then raise awareness of this in their communities.

While some of the following will be particularly relevant to specific communities, I believe that others going through post-separation problems over child access will find much in it that’s also relevant to their situations.

Parental Alienation

Parental alienation occurs when one parent tries to damage their children’s relationship with the other parent by displaying negativity towards him or her, ultimately leading to alienation of the children from the targeted parent.   This can be considered a form of emotional child abuse.

It’s important to emphasise that where there is actual abuse or neglect, anything that might be said against the abusing parent would not be considered parental alienation but rather a legitimate warning.

Cultural Complexities in Divorce

In South Asian Muslim families, divorce is often considered shameful. The extended family gets involved, supporting their own family member hence adding to the pressure on the couple. The dynamic applied is one of confrontation and blame, adding to the difficulty of achieving peaceful engagement and resolution of the issues. The outcome of that can be avoidance of the issues that should be addressed.

I often hear from fathers that, “If the children are mine, they will come back to me.” This belief in “blood ties overcoming all” leads fathers to think that they don’t need to apply themselves to seeking appropriate access to their children, believing their bond with their children will naturally bring them back together over time.

This approach can be damaging, as alienated children rarely reach out on their own to rebuild a relationship with an absent parent.  This can also be the result when no effort is made by the non-resident parent to establish and maintain contact with their children, for whatever reason, even if there has been no parental alienation at all.

Resentment Following the Divorce

Mothers, more often than not the resident parent (i.e. the parent with whom the children primarily reside, and who is considered the primary caregiver), may block fathers from seeing their children for various reasons. Some hold on to bitterness from the marriage breakdown, while others feel justified in restricting access if they believe the father hasn’t met financial responsibilities.

Fathers, on the other hand, may say, “Why should I provide support if I can’t see my children?” This creates a vicious cycle, where the children are caught in the middle of their parents’ conflict.

Domestic Abuse Claims and Legal Aid

One issue I frequently see as a mediator is the use of domestic abuse allegations, especially to access legal aid. In the UK, legal aid is available to victims of domestic abuse, provided they can show evidence. This has led to what’s known as the “domestic violence gateway.”

While domestic abuse is a serious issue and any claim of abuse must be taken seriously, there has been a worrying trend of such claims being used strategically in child access disputes. Many fathers see this as an unfair and unfounded tactic used to block access to their children.

In mediation such situations must be handled with sensitivity, ensuring both sides are heard, but it’s important to acknowledge that not all allegations may be warranted. The challenge lies in balancing the legitimate need to protect victims while preventing the misuse of such claims in family conflicts.

How Mediation Can Help

As a mediator, my main concern is always what is in the children’s best interest. Mediation offers a neutral space where both parents can express their concerns, and together we work towards creating a co-parenting plan that prioritises the children’s needs. In many cases, mediation can help break through the emotional and cultural barriers that prevent parents from cooperating.

In my experience, when parents start seeing beyond their grievances and focus on their children’s emotional health, they begin to change. Fathers who have felt powerless or disengaged can regain their role in their child’s life, while mothers can learn to trust the father’s involvement and work towards a healthier co-parenting relationship. Mediation can be the key to breaking the cycle of alienation or disengagement and to ensuring the children benefit from both parents’ involvement.

Why Parenting Plans Fail

One of the most frustrating aspects of mediation is when carefully crafted parenting plans fall apart over minor disagreements. It’s disheartening because both parents work hard to reach these agreements, but minor conflicts subsequently derail the process.

I encourage parents to focus on the bigger picture and consider their children’s needs rather than their personal grievances. Parenting plans are designed to benefit the child, and as CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) outlines in its welfare checklist, decisions should be made with the child’s best interests in mind. When one parent blocks access or the other fails to stick to the plan, it’s the children who suffer most. This breakdown in communication can severely damage the children’s relationship with the non-resident parent.

Even when a solid parenting plan is in place, the challenge lies in its day-to-day implementation. Both parents must remain committed to their children’s well-being, prioritising compromise over personal disagreements.

Conclusion

Parental alienation in South Asian, Muslim (and other) families is a complex issue that goes beyond the legal and cultural challenges of divorce. Fathers often lose contact with their children, while mothers may use legal avenues, such as domestic abuse claims, to limit access. Extended family involvement can further complicate the situation, making it harder to focus on what’s best for the children.

Through mediation there’s a chance to change this. By bringing the parents together in a neutral environment and emphasising the children’s needs, mediation offers a way to ensure that both parents play an active role in their children’s lives.

It’s to be hoped that community and religious leaders will come to use their influence to emphasise the rights of children in divorced families, focusing on the long-term impact on their emotional and mental well-being.

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

Focus on Children: Shared Parenting in a Changing World

Over the last several decades family dynamics have changed significantly, but one aspect of the family should continue to be our focus—the need to prioritise the well-being of our children.

As a family mediator and as a parent navigating the complexities of shared parenting, I’ve witnessed firsthand the transformative power of placing our children at the centre of our decisions and actions.

The Journey of Shared Parenting

My journey through separated parenting has been one of constant learning, growth, and, at times, profound challenges. My son, his mother and I have traversed this path since his birth, and while it hasn’t been without its frustrations and difficulties, our unwavering focus on his needs has been our guiding light.

Challenges and Priorities

Separated parenting presents a unique array of hurdles, particularly for the child caught in the parental divide. From a tender age, my son has grappled with the tasks of appeasing and pleasing both parents, often to the detriment of his own peace of mind. It’s a circumstance no child should endure, yet regrettably, it’s a reality for many in similar circumstances. In our journey, my ex-wife and I have endeavoured to place our son’s needs above all else. We’ve recognised that successful parenting, especially post-separation, necessitates a fundamental shift—from dwelling on our grievances to considering our child’s emotions and aspirations.

Empowering Children

One of the valuable lessons I’ve learned is the importance of giving our son a voice in decisions that affect his life. Even at a young age, we encouraged open and age-appropriate discussions about his wishes and desires. Asking him questions like, “Where do you feel things have gone wrong, and how can we make things better for you?” has been instrumental in fostering trust and communication in our co-parenting journey.

Through these discussions, we’ve gained invaluable insights into our son’s perspective, his hopes, fears, and aspirations. It’s enabled him to express himself freely and assert his needs, knowing that his voice matters in shaping his own future.

Our son’s journey through separated parenting has been far from easy, but it’s also been a testament to his resilience and adaptability. Despite the challenges, he has blossomed into a confident, broad-minded young man, guided by the unwavering love and support of both parents.

Children, their Parents, and the Courts

The Children Act 1989 determined which parent would have “custody” of the children, and that parent typically took all the decisions concerning the child. 

This was replaced by an amendment in 2014 that changed the term “child custody order” to “child arrangement order”, and introduced a new term, “parental responsibility”, that recognised the right of both parents to be involved in important decisions with respect to the children.

For details of decisions the court may direct regarding child arrangements, click here.

Shared Parenting: Beyond Legal Arrangements

In writing this article, it’s clear to me that shared parenting isn’t just a legal concept or a theoretical ideal—it’s a lived experience, shaped by the unique dynamics of each family. It’s a journey fraught with challenges and complexities, but one that ultimately hinges on our ability to put our children’s needs above all else.

What exactly is shared parenting?

Shared parenting, also known as joint co-parenting, is a collaborative approach where both parents actively participate in their children’s upbringing post-separation. It recognises that children benefit most from having meaningful relationships with both parents and emphasises the importance of cooperative co-parenting relationships.

It’s important to note that shared parenting is about more than the amount of time the children spend with each parent.  What matters is an ongoing involvement of both parents in all aspects of the children’s lives, and in significant decisions affecting the children.  Typically, children love and are attached to both parents, and shared parenting fosters and encourages this.  Separated parents should understand that despite their differences, they must never seek to compete for their children’s attention, but rather they should cooperate to achieve the best outcome for their children.

There are practical steps that can be taken to work toward a successful shared parenting arrangement, and this is something that can be explored in family mediation, dependent as it is on the specific circumstances of the parents and their children.

Research has consistently shown that children raised in shared parenting arrangements fare better in almost every aspect of their lives. From improved emotional well-being to higher academic achievement, the benefits of shared parenting are undeniable. By fostering stability, continuity, and security, shared parenting lays the foundation for healthy development and resilience in children.

Philosophy of Shared Parenting

But shared parenting is about more than just legal arrangements—it’s a philosophy rooted in empathy, cooperation, and above all, love for one’s children. It requires a fundamental shift in perspective, from focusing on parental rights to prioritising children’s needs above all else. It’s about recognising that successful parenting is not measured by the amount of time spent with a child but by the quality of the interactions and relationships forged.

In Conclusion

My personal journey through shared parenting has shown me its transformative power. Despite the challenges and uncertainties, my ex-wife and I have remained steadfast in our commitment to putting our son’s needs first. Through open communication, mutual respect, and a shared dedication to his well-being, we’ve created a supportive environment where our son can thrive and flourish.

As family mediators, it’s our responsibility to champion the cause of shared parenting and advocate for its widespread adoption. By providing parents with the knowledge, resources, and support they need to navigate shared parenting successfully, we can help ensure that every child can thrive, in a nurturing and supportive environment, irrespective of their parents’ relationship status.

In conclusion, shared parenting is not just a legal concept—it’s a way of life. It’s about focusing on the children, fostering their resilience, and laying the foundation for a bright future for them. In a changing world where the only constant is change itself, shared parenting offers a beacon of hope—a promise of stability, continuity, and unconditional love.

Are you looking for a child arrangement mediator?

Opting for mediation instead of court can save time and money while ensuring a fair and lasting agreement. Moreover, mediation offers privacy and control over the outcome in a confidential setting.

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

What is financial settlement mediation?

If you’re going through a separation or divorce, you will want to reach an appropriate settlement with your ex-partner regarding your finances, including the disposition of any shared property: Who will live in the family home, or will it be sold, and the proceeds shared? What provisions will be made for the maintenance of any children?

This guide will give you an idea how financial settlement mediation can help you to deal with these issues.

What is financial settlement mediation?

If you’re looking for a collaborative and non-confrontational approach to reaching agreement on child support, spousal maintenance, property division, pensions, assets, and debt management, mediation is a great option.

The impartial mediator fosters effective communication and cooperation to identify the issues and achieve fair solutions. The process of financial mediation is cost-effective and efficient, defusing the possible tensions of the situation to enable a collaborative, non-confrontational approach.

Financial mediation typically involves the following steps:

  1. Attending a Mediation Initial Assessment Meeting (MIAM)
  2. Disclosing financial information
  3. Attending a joint meeting (discussion of priorities)
  4. Exploration of the available options for financial settlement
  5. Reaching a financial agreement and direction on how to make it legally binding

1. Attending a Mediation Information Assessment Meeting (MIAM)

In the MIAM, we assess the suitability of the couple for financial mediation.

The mediator explains the process, its benefits, and what the couple can expect to happen during mediation. Participants can ask questions, gain insights, and learn the cost, probable duration of the process, and what steps they will need to take if mediation fails.

2. Disclosing financial information

After agreeing to proceed with financial mediation, the next step is to disclose details of the participants’ finances.

Information is provided by each participant about their income, property, savings, debts, pensions, and expenses. The mediator assists in identifying necessary corroborative documentation.

Transparency and accuracy of both parties are crucial for fair agreements. The mediator requires a clear understanding of the couple’s financial situation to explore suitable options for resolution.

The mediator will prepare a summary of the financial statement, known as an Open Financial Statement (OFS). It includes information about your capital, your liabilities, your income and your anticipated future expenditures.

3. Attending a joint meeting (discussion of priorities)

The mediator’s primary duty is to foster open communication, ensuring both parties can voice their perspectives and concerns. They pinpoint areas of accord and discord, guiding you to recognise shared interests. By maintaining impartiality, they help you to navigate emotional complexities, enabling a clear focus on the pivotal issues for each participant.

4. Exploration of the available options for financial settlement

The mediator guides you through your options to resolve any financial issues. They break down each issue into manageable parts, providing legal context. Then, they assist in identifying viable solutions, delving deeper into each. This involves brainstorming, assessing implications and feasibility. The mediator will encourage you to consider each other’s needs and interests to help you reach a fair and sustainable agreement.

5. Reaching a financial agreement and direction on how to make it legally binding

Once a preferred solution is reached with the assistance of the mediator, practical aspects of the solution are thoroughly examined to ensure workability and completeness.

Assuming both parties agree to proceed with this financial arrangement, the mediator drafts a summary, known as a Memorandum of Understanding. This document outlines the non-binding terms of the agreement, for review with your solicitor, who may then incorporate them into a document called a Consent Order, which may be submitted to the Court for judicial approval, making it legally binding upon acceptance.

How much does financial settlement mediation cost?

The cost of financial mediation varies depending on the chosen mediation service, the complexity of the participant’s situation (e.g., the number of assets involved) and any other variables involved.

In any case, it’s assured that the expense of financial mediation will be significantly less than pursuing an adversarial approach involving solicitors and court proceedings. The process is also significantly less disturbing to the participants.

For a clearer understanding of the usual costs involved, explore our property and finance mediation fees.

Are financial agreements legally binding?

Agreements reached in mediation can become legally binding, depending on the type of agreement and on if the appropriate legal steps are taken after mediation: Preparation of a Consent Order by a solicitor, and presentation to the Court for judicial approval. Mediators can guide you through this process.

Are you looking for a financial settlement mediator?

Opting for mediation instead of court can save time and money while ensuring a fair and lasting agreement. Moreover, mediation offers privacy and control over the outcome in a confidential setting.

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

Discussions of Family Mediation on Islam Channel

The Today Show in Islam Channel, two presenter and the family mediator Tawhid ar-Rahman. Discussing the issue of family mediation on the show.

I recently appeared as a guest on Islam Channel’s Salaam Britain and the today show to talk about family mediation and the service offered by me at Salam Mediation. While there was an understandable emphasis on the subject in the context of the Muslim community, much of what was discussed is also relevant to other communities and cultures.

The two interviews covered essentially the same information, although with some difference of emphasis.  

I will summarise the discussions below, combined as if a single discourse for clarity and to avoid repetition, but you can also view the full interviews here:

My own story of family breakdown

 I began with telling of my own experience of divorce and the subsequent challenge of reaching agreement with my ex-wife about sharing access to our son. 

All too often, the end of a relationship is accompanied by acrimonious feelings of one or both partners, which can make the settling of finances and child access difficult. They often see seeking legal counsel as their only recourse. 

I spent four years trying to amicably resolve outstanding issues regarding access to my son. I also referred to the Islamic Shariah Council. When neither of these approaches brought results, I applied to the family court, and after 8 months waiting for a hearing, finally gained the access to my son that I’d hoped for. 

As a Muslim of Asian background, who grew up and was educated in the UK, I looked into both UK and Islamic law to try to arrive at the appropriate solution for our situation. 

Sharing my experience

After my experience I was inspired to assist others who were going through the same things my family had, in the hope that they could be saved some of the pains we had suffered.

I provided support in matters relating to finances and child arrangements, serving as a Mackenzie friend, accompanying them to court and assisting with filling out forms. I did this for almost ten years, after which I trained and qualified as a family mediator.

The role of the mediator

Mediation is not about taking sides or dictating solutions. It’s about creating a space where all family members can express themselves without fear of judgement or bias. The mediator helps the parties to arrive at mutually agreeable arrangements. 

Mediators do not impose solutions. Their role is to facilitate the harmonious resolution of the issues, enabling the clients to come up with solutions that they will be content with. Mediators can and do make suggestions for the clients to consider, and they will evaluate and test the feasibility of any proposals, but ultimately, it’s up to the clients to decide what they want to do. 

The point of mediation is not to bring couples together, but to facilitate an amicable separation, sorting out the issues relating to finances and child arrangements. I do, however, emphasise the importance of seeking help, whether faith or relationship based, to deal with issues in the marriage. In other words, work on the marriage before considering divorce. 

There is a set process for family mediation. Initially the mediator speaks to each parent individually, then proceeds with the couple either separately or together, online or in person. The couple can come to an agreement, which can be made legally binding through a court process if so desired, but without having to go to court. 

Emphasis on the children

Every child deserves the love, affection, attention, and care of both parents; and both parents deserve to be a significant part of their children’s lives.

I urged parents to prioritise their children’s wellbeing and to work together to provide a stable and loving environment. They should be aware of how children may suffer when one parent is excluded from their life, leading to long-lasting emotional trauma. The children also suffer if they witness conflict between their parents.

The Islamic perspective

Islam, in common with other religious and cultural traditions, stresses the importance of maintaining family ties, promoting reconciliation and harmony, and resolving disputes through peaceful means, seeking the counsel of family and knowledgeable outsiders.

I have studied the relevant shariah principles, but I emphasised that as a mediator I don’t give advice or make recommendations. I can and do refer clients to relevant resources if they ask.

Mediation vs family court

The first point to emphasise is the cost of going to court to resolve your differences over finances and family arrangements. It is significantly more expensive than mediation and takes considerably longer. 

Another striking difference between mediators and solicitors is that a solicitor necessarily takes the side of their client and takes a confrontational approach to the issues. Family mediators are impartial.

Family court will listen to both parents, and above all will consider the interests of the children, but unlike mediation, the court will come to a decision which it will then impose on the parents.

Family court has recognised the value of mediation, and currently recommends that the parents engage in mediation before the court will hear the case, if the parents are unable to reach an agreement, and the mediator signs off on the case. While mediation is not now mandatory, it is being considered to make it so.

As it now stands, the parties may stop mediation at any time, and it’s important to emphasise that whatever is discussed in mediation remains confidential, unless there are issues of family safety.

In summary

My appearances on Salaam Britain and the today show highlighted the importance of family mediation to resolve conflicts, strengthen family bonds, and promote harmony. I emphasised the importance of prioritising the children’s needs and happiness, while protecting them from the upset of parental conflict. 

I encourage you to watch the full interviews to gain a deeper understanding of family mediation and its potential to transform lives and maintain peace within families.