Domestic abuse and family mediation

Contents 10 sections

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If there has been domestic abuse in your relationship, you may be wondering whether mediation is even possible. Sometimes it is, and sometimes it is not.

What matters is whether you can take part safely, speak freely and make decisions without feeling frightened, pressured or controlled. That is considered before any mediation between you is arranged.

Domestic abuse is not only physical violence. It can include controlling or coercive behaviour, threats, intimidation, emotional abuse and economic or financial control.

Someone may be able to have a calm conversation with their former partner and still feel unable to disagree with them or say no. They may also be worried about what will happen after the conversation.

Those things matter when deciding whether mediation is appropriate.

You do not have to sit together

Mediation does not necessarily mean sitting face-to-face with the other person.

If mediation is suitable, one option is shuttle mediation. You remain separate and the mediator speaks with each of you individually, taking information, questions and proposals between you.

Online, you can be in completely separate virtual rooms and join from different locations. You do not have to see or speak directly to each other.

For some people, that distance makes a difficult conversation manageable. For others, separate rooms are not enough. If fear, pressure or an imbalance of power means somebody still cannot participate freely, mediation may not be suitable.

In some cases, solicitors can also be more closely involved around the mediation – see hybrid mediation. That does not by itself make a case suitable; suitability is still assessed in the same way.

There is not one format that every family has to fit into.

If there is a non-molestation order

You can still speak to us if a non-molestation order is in place. What matters is the actual wording of the order.

A non-molestation order may restrict particular forms of contact, harassment or approaching somebody or going to particular places. An occupation order can deal with who lives in or returns to the family home.

If an order restricts contact, we would not simply assume that communication through a mediator is allowed. We may need to understand the wording first and, where it is unclear, ask you to obtain legal advice before we contact the other person.

Mediation does not override a court order.

What if there are bail conditions?

The same care is needed where bail conditions are in place. If a condition prevents contact with the other person, using a mediator does not automatically mean that contact is permitted.

Before contacting the other person, we may need to understand exactly what restrictions are in place. Where necessary, we may ask you to obtain clarification from your solicitor first.

Sometimes the sensible first step is simply to wait until everyone is clear about what contact is allowed.

This is not about creating unnecessary barriers. It is about making sure that mediation does not put anybody in breach of an existing restriction.

You are not agreeing to mediation by speaking to us

Your individual MIAM gives you an opportunity to explain privately what has happened and anything that concerns you about taking part in mediation.

You may decide that you do not want to mediate. There may also be circumstances where the mediator decides that mediation should not go ahead, even if both people initially want to try.

Those are two different things. Mediation is voluntary for you, but deciding whether it is suitable is also part of the mediator’s professional responsibility.

When mediation may not be suitable

Every situation is different.

We would be concerned where somebody cannot say no freely, is frightened about what may happen if they disagree, remains subject to intimidation or control, or where safety concerns cannot realistically be managed within mediation.

Suitability is not decided once and then forgotten. Something may come to light later or behaviour may change during the process. If mediation stops being safe or fair, it can stop.

Children and domestic abuse

Where children are involved, the conversation cannot simply be about getting contact arrangements agreed as quickly as possible.

There may already be court orders, safeguarding concerns, indirect or supervised contact, or other arrangements that need to be understood. A child may also have seen or heard domestic abuse or experienced its effects.

Mediation can sometimes help parents work through practical arrangements, but mediation does not replace Cafcass, safeguarding professionals, the police or the court where their involvement is needed.

Domestic abuse and finances

Domestic abuse can also affect financial mediation.

One person may have had little involvement in the family’s finances or may not know what accounts, pensions, property or debts exist. There may also have been economic or financial control during the relationship.

That person may need more information, more time or independent advice before they are ready to consider financial proposals.

Financial mediation is not simply about passing offers backwards and forwards. Both people need enough information and enough freedom to understand what is being discussed and make their own decisions.

What about a MIAM exemption?

Domestic abuse can sometimes provide an exemption from the usual requirement to attend a MIAM before certain family court applications, where the required evidence is available. The rules list the kinds of evidence that count, and they are set out on our MIAM page.

That is separate from deciding whether mediation itself may be suitable.

Someone may have a valid exemption and still choose to explore mediation. Equally, attending a MIAM does not mean that you have agreed to mediate.

If you are unsure

You do not need to work out from this page whether mediation is right for you.

Tell us privately about the domestic abuse and about any non-molestation order, occupation order, bail condition, police involvement or other safety concern. We can consider what this means before any mediation with the other person is arranged.

Sometimes the answer may be shuttle mediation or another carefully structured process. Sometimes the right answer is not to mediate. Both are proper outcomes.

Book a MIAM Speak to Salam Mediation

Sources and useful information

• Family Mediation Council – Code of Practice
• Family Mediation Council – safeguarding policies and procedures
• Family Procedure Rules Part 3 – MIAMs, assessment and exemptions
• Practice Direction 3A – MIAM exemptions and evidence
• GOV.UK – non-molestation and occupation orders
• GOV.UK – Domestic Abuse Act statutory guidance
• GOV.UK – bail