Over the last several decades family dynamics have changed significantly, but one aspect of the family should continue to be our focus—the need to prioritise the well-being of our children.
As a family mediator and as a parent navigating the complexities of shared parenting, I’ve witnessed firsthand the transformative power of placing our children at the centre of our decisions and actions.
My journey through separated parenting has been one of constant learning, growth, and, at times, profound challenges. My son, his mother and I have traversed this path since his birth, and while it hasn’t been without its frustrations and difficulties, our unwavering focus on his needs has been our guiding light.
Separated parenting presents a unique array of hurdles, particularly for the child caught in the parental divide. From a tender age, my son has grappled with the tasks of appeasing and pleasing both parents, often to the detriment of his own peace of mind. It’s a circumstance no child should endure, yet regrettably, it’s a reality for many in similar circumstances. In our journey, my ex-wife and I have endeavoured to place our son’s needs above all else. We’ve recognised that successful parenting, especially post-separation, necessitates a fundamental shift—from dwelling on our grievances to considering our child’s emotions and aspirations.
One of the valuable lessons I’ve learned is the importance of giving our son a voice in decisions that affect his life. Even at a young age, we encouraged open and age-appropriate discussions about his wishes and desires. Asking him questions like, “Where do you feel things have gone wrong, and how can we make things better for you?” has been instrumental in fostering trust and communication in our co-parenting journey.
Through these discussions, we’ve gained invaluable insights into our son’s perspective, his hopes, fears, and aspirations. It’s enabled him to express himself freely and assert his needs, knowing that his voice matters in shaping his own future.
Our son’s journey through separated parenting has been far from easy, but it’s also been a testament to his resilience and adaptability. Despite the challenges, he has blossomed into a confident, broad-minded young man, guided by the unwavering love and support of both parents.
The Children Act 1989 determined which parent would have “custody” of the children, and that parent typically took all the decisions concerning the child.
This was replaced by an amendment in 2014 that changed the term “child custody order” to “child arrangement order”, and introduced a new term, “parental responsibility”, that recognised the right of both parents to be involved in important decisions with respect to the children.
For details of decisions the court may direct regarding child arrangements, click here.
In writing this article, it’s clear to me that shared parenting isn’t just a legal concept or a theoretical ideal—it’s a lived experience, shaped by the unique dynamics of each family. It’s a journey fraught with challenges and complexities, but one that ultimately hinges on our ability to put our children’s needs above all else.
Shared parenting, also known as joint co-parenting, is a collaborative approach where both parents actively participate in their children’s upbringing post-separation. It recognises that children benefit most from having meaningful relationships with both parents and emphasises the importance of cooperative co-parenting relationships.
It’s important to note that shared parenting is about more than the amount of time the children spend with each parent. What matters is an ongoing involvement of both parents in all aspects of the children’s lives, and in significant decisions affecting the children. Typically, children love and are attached to both parents, and shared parenting fosters and encourages this. Separated parents should understand that despite their differences, they must never seek to compete for their children’s attention, but rather they should cooperate to achieve the best outcome for their children.
There are practical steps that can be taken to work toward a successful shared parenting arrangement, and this is something that can be explored in family mediation, dependent as it is on the specific circumstances of the parents and their children.
Research has consistently shown that children raised in shared parenting arrangements fare better in almost every aspect of their lives. From improved emotional well-being to higher academic achievement, the benefits of shared parenting are undeniable. By fostering stability, continuity, and security, shared parenting lays the foundation for healthy development and resilience in children.
But shared parenting is about more than just legal arrangements—it’s a philosophy rooted in empathy, cooperation, and above all, love for one’s children. It requires a fundamental shift in perspective, from focusing on parental rights to prioritising children’s needs above all else. It’s about recognising that successful parenting is not measured by the amount of time spent with a child but by the quality of the interactions and relationships forged.
My personal journey through shared parenting has shown me its transformative power. Despite the challenges and uncertainties, my ex-wife and I have remained steadfast in our commitment to putting our son’s needs first. Through open communication, mutual respect, and a shared dedication to his well-being, we’ve created a supportive environment where our son can thrive and flourish.
As family mediators, it’s our responsibility to champion the cause of shared parenting and advocate for its widespread adoption. By providing parents with the knowledge, resources, and support they need to navigate shared parenting successfully, we can help ensure that every child can thrive, in a nurturing and supportive environment, irrespective of their parents’ relationship status.
In conclusion, shared parenting is not just a legal concept—it’s a way of life. It’s about focusing on the children, fostering their resilience, and laying the foundation for a bright future for them. In a changing world where the only constant is change itself, shared parenting offers a beacon of hope—a promise of stability, continuity, and unconditional love.
Opting for mediation instead of court can save time and money while ensuring a fair and lasting agreement. Moreover, mediation offers privacy and control over the outcome in a confidential setting.
If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation click here
