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Parental Alienation and Divorce in South Asian Families: A Mediator’s Perspective on Maintaining Parent-Child Bonds

A painting of a parent walking hand-in-hand with two children, their silhouettes illuminated against a warm, glowing backdrop. The reflective surface beneath them creates a sense of connection and hope, symbolising unity and support during challenging times.

Introduction

I have been engaged with family law for the past 15 years, including 4 years as a registered family mediator. My involvement with family law began after my own relationship breakdown and the resulting issues my ex-spouse and I faced.

While I have a culturally varied client base, my own ethnic and religious background has brought me into contact with many clients with backgrounds like mine: South Asians and Muslims.

I have seen that all too often fathers, after divorce, lose contact with their children, and their children then grow up not knowing their fathers. While this can be seen across cultures, it does seem to me to be more pronounced in the South Asian and Muslim communities, where divorce is considered shameful. Consequently, its ramifications are rarely spoken of.

Even when it is discussed, the focus tends to be on the breakdown of the marital relationship, not on the impact it has on the children. I hope that religious and community leaders can be persuaded of the importance of and impact on the rights of children in divorced families, and that they may then raise awareness of this in their communities.

While some of the following will be particularly relevant to specific communities, I believe that others going through post-separation problems over child access will find much in it that’s also relevant to their situations.

Parental Alienation

Parental alienation occurs when one parent tries to damage their children’s relationship with the other parent by displaying negativity towards him or her, ultimately leading to alienation of the children from the targeted parent.   This can be considered a form of emotional child abuse.

It’s important to emphasise that where there is actual abuse or neglect, anything that might be said against the abusing parent would not be considered parental alienation but rather a legitimate warning.

Cultural Complexities in Divorce

In South Asian Muslim families, divorce is often considered shameful. The extended family gets involved, supporting their own family member hence adding to the pressure on the couple. The dynamic applied is one of confrontation and blame, adding to the difficulty of achieving peaceful engagement and resolution of the issues. The outcome of that can be avoidance of the issues that should be addressed.

I often hear from fathers that, “If the children are mine, they will come back to me.” This belief in “blood ties overcoming all” leads fathers to think that they don’t need to apply themselves to seeking appropriate access to their children, believing their bond with their children will naturally bring them back together over time.

This approach can be damaging, as alienated children rarely reach out on their own to rebuild a relationship with an absent parent.  This can also be the result when no effort is made by the non-resident parent to establish and maintain contact with their children, for whatever reason, even if there has been no parental alienation at all.

Resentment Following the Divorce

Mothers, more often than not the resident parent (i.e. the parent with whom the children primarily reside, and who is considered the primary caregiver), may block fathers from seeing their children for various reasons. Some hold on to bitterness from the marriage breakdown, while others feel justified in restricting access if they believe the father hasn’t met financial responsibilities.

Fathers, on the other hand, may say, “Why should I provide support if I can’t see my children?” This creates a vicious cycle, where the children are caught in the middle of their parents’ conflict.

Domestic Abuse Claims and Legal Aid

One issue I frequently see as a mediator is the use of domestic abuse allegations, especially to access legal aid. In the UK, legal aid is available to victims of domestic abuse, provided they can show evidence. This has led to what’s known as the “domestic violence gateway.”

While domestic abuse is a serious issue and any claim of abuse must be taken seriously, there has been a worrying trend of such claims being used strategically in child access disputes. Many fathers see this as an unfair and unfounded tactic used to block access to their children.

In mediation such situations must be handled with sensitivity, ensuring both sides are heard, but it’s important to acknowledge that not all allegations may be warranted. The challenge lies in balancing the legitimate need to protect victims while preventing the misuse of such claims in family conflicts.

How Mediation Can Help

As a mediator, my main concern is always what is in the children’s best interest. Mediation offers a neutral space where both parents can express their concerns, and together we work towards creating a co-parenting plan that prioritises the children’s needs. In many cases, mediation can help break through the emotional and cultural barriers that prevent parents from cooperating.

In my experience, when parents start seeing beyond their grievances and focus on their children’s emotional health, they begin to change. Fathers who have felt powerless or disengaged can regain their role in their child’s life, while mothers can learn to trust the father’s involvement and work towards a healthier co-parenting relationship. Mediation can be the key to breaking the cycle of alienation or disengagement and to ensuring the children benefit from both parents’ involvement.

Why Parenting Plans Fail

One of the most frustrating aspects of mediation is when carefully crafted parenting plans fall apart over minor disagreements. It’s disheartening because both parents work hard to reach these agreements, but minor conflicts subsequently derail the process.

I encourage parents to focus on the bigger picture and consider their children’s needs rather than their personal grievances. Parenting plans are designed to benefit the child, and as CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) outlines in its welfare checklist, decisions should be made with the child’s best interests in mind. When one parent blocks access or the other fails to stick to the plan, it’s the children who suffer most. This breakdown in communication can severely damage the children’s relationship with the non-resident parent.

Even when a solid parenting plan is in place, the challenge lies in its day-to-day implementation. Both parents must remain committed to their children’s well-being, prioritising compromise over personal disagreements.

Conclusion

Parental alienation in South Asian, Muslim (and other) families is a complex issue that goes beyond the legal and cultural challenges of divorce. Fathers often lose contact with their children, while mothers may use legal avenues, such as domestic abuse claims, to limit access. Extended family involvement can further complicate the situation, making it harder to focus on what’s best for the children.

Through mediation there’s a chance to change this. By bringing the parents together in a neutral environment and emphasising the children’s needs, mediation offers a way to ensure that both parents play an active role in their children’s lives.

It’s to be hoped that community and religious leaders will come to use their influence to emphasise the rights of children in divorced families, focusing on the long-term impact on their emotional and mental well-being.

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

About

Picture of Tawhid ar-Rahman

Tawhid ar-Rahman

Is a family mediator committed to promoting a constructive approach to family issues that considers the needs of the whole family.

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Parental Alienation and Divorce in South Asian Families: A Mediator’s Perspective on Maintaining Parent-Child Bonds

A painting of a parent walking hand-in-hand with two children, their silhouettes illuminated against a warm, glowing backdrop. The reflective surface beneath them creates a sense of connection and hope, symbolising unity and support during challenging times.

Share this post

Introduction

I have been engaged with family law for the past 15 years, including 4 years as a registered family mediator. My involvement with family law began after my own relationship breakdown and the resulting issues my ex-spouse and I faced.

While I have a culturally varied client base, my own ethnic and religious background has brought me into contact with many clients with backgrounds like mine: South Asians and Muslims.

I have seen that all too often fathers, after divorce, lose contact with their children, and their children then grow up not knowing their fathers. While this can be seen across cultures, it does seem to me to be more pronounced in the South Asian and Muslim communities, where divorce is considered shameful. Consequently, its ramifications are rarely spoken of.

Even when it is discussed, the focus tends to be on the breakdown of the marital relationship, not on the impact it has on the children. I hope that religious and community leaders can be persuaded of the importance of and impact on the rights of children in divorced families, and that they may then raise awareness of this in their communities.

While some of the following will be particularly relevant to specific communities, I believe that others going through post-separation problems over child access will find much in it that’s also relevant to their situations.

Parental Alienation

Parental alienation occurs when one parent tries to damage their children’s relationship with the other parent by displaying negativity towards him or her, ultimately leading to alienation of the children from the targeted parent.   This can be considered a form of emotional child abuse.

It’s important to emphasise that where there is actual abuse or neglect, anything that might be said against the abusing parent would not be considered parental alienation but rather a legitimate warning.

Cultural Complexities in Divorce

In South Asian Muslim families, divorce is often considered shameful. The extended family gets involved, supporting their own family member hence adding to the pressure on the couple. The dynamic applied is one of confrontation and blame, adding to the difficulty of achieving peaceful engagement and resolution of the issues. The outcome of that can be avoidance of the issues that should be addressed.

I often hear from fathers that, “If the children are mine, they will come back to me.” This belief in “blood ties overcoming all” leads fathers to think that they don’t need to apply themselves to seeking appropriate access to their children, believing their bond with their children will naturally bring them back together over time.

This approach can be damaging, as alienated children rarely reach out on their own to rebuild a relationship with an absent parent.  This can also be the result when no effort is made by the non-resident parent to establish and maintain contact with their children, for whatever reason, even if there has been no parental alienation at all.

Resentment Following the Divorce

Mothers, more often than not the resident parent (i.e. the parent with whom the children primarily reside, and who is considered the primary caregiver), may block fathers from seeing their children for various reasons. Some hold on to bitterness from the marriage breakdown, while others feel justified in restricting access if they believe the father hasn’t met financial responsibilities.

Fathers, on the other hand, may say, “Why should I provide support if I can’t see my children?” This creates a vicious cycle, where the children are caught in the middle of their parents’ conflict.

Domestic Abuse Claims and Legal Aid

One issue I frequently see as a mediator is the use of domestic abuse allegations, especially to access legal aid. In the UK, legal aid is available to victims of domestic abuse, provided they can show evidence. This has led to what’s known as the “domestic violence gateway.”

While domestic abuse is a serious issue and any claim of abuse must be taken seriously, there has been a worrying trend of such claims being used strategically in child access disputes. Many fathers see this as an unfair and unfounded tactic used to block access to their children.

In mediation such situations must be handled with sensitivity, ensuring both sides are heard, but it’s important to acknowledge that not all allegations may be warranted. The challenge lies in balancing the legitimate need to protect victims while preventing the misuse of such claims in family conflicts.

How Mediation Can Help

As a mediator, my main concern is always what is in the children’s best interest. Mediation offers a neutral space where both parents can express their concerns, and together we work towards creating a co-parenting plan that prioritises the children’s needs. In many cases, mediation can help break through the emotional and cultural barriers that prevent parents from cooperating.

In my experience, when parents start seeing beyond their grievances and focus on their children’s emotional health, they begin to change. Fathers who have felt powerless or disengaged can regain their role in their child’s life, while mothers can learn to trust the father’s involvement and work towards a healthier co-parenting relationship. Mediation can be the key to breaking the cycle of alienation or disengagement and to ensuring the children benefit from both parents’ involvement.

Why Parenting Plans Fail

One of the most frustrating aspects of mediation is when carefully crafted parenting plans fall apart over minor disagreements. It’s disheartening because both parents work hard to reach these agreements, but minor conflicts subsequently derail the process.

I encourage parents to focus on the bigger picture and consider their children’s needs rather than their personal grievances. Parenting plans are designed to benefit the child, and as CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) outlines in its welfare checklist, decisions should be made with the child’s best interests in mind. When one parent blocks access or the other fails to stick to the plan, it’s the children who suffer most. This breakdown in communication can severely damage the children’s relationship with the non-resident parent.

Even when a solid parenting plan is in place, the challenge lies in its day-to-day implementation. Both parents must remain committed to their children’s well-being, prioritising compromise over personal disagreements.

Conclusion

Parental alienation in South Asian, Muslim (and other) families is a complex issue that goes beyond the legal and cultural challenges of divorce. Fathers often lose contact with their children, while mothers may use legal avenues, such as domestic abuse claims, to limit access. Extended family involvement can further complicate the situation, making it harder to focus on what’s best for the children.

Through mediation there’s a chance to change this. By bringing the parents together in a neutral environment and emphasising the children’s needs, mediation offers a way to ensure that both parents play an active role in their children’s lives.

It’s to be hoped that community and religious leaders will come to use their influence to emphasise the rights of children in divorced families, focusing on the long-term impact on their emotional and mental well-being.

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

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