Dear parents,

I want to talk to you not as a mediator, not as someone who has worked in family law for more than 15 years and has spoken to many parents, but as a dad – one who has been in your shoes. I’ve been a separated father since my child was born. My son and I have now shared 16 years of growing, bonding, and making memories. It has not always been easy, but we’re very close now. We travel, study, and work together, and I can’t imagine life without him.

This journey hasn’t been easy. Being a separated dad has brought its own struggles, frustrations, and difficulties, but I assure you that it has also been greatly rewarding.

The sad reality is that for some parents who have separated, their children become a means of punishing their ex-spouse. Most, however, care deeply about their children and their welfare, and they will ultimately struggle to ensure that the children have good relations with both parents.

The importance of being there

Divorce or separation can come with a lot of heavy feelings. It’s easy to get lost in the arguments, to feel anger or resentment. The most important thing I’ve learned from my and my ex-wife’s experience and from talking to over 200 parents as a mediator is that your children need you.

No matter what your feelings towards your ex-partner, be sure that your children need both parents. Even if you enter into a new relationship, your children will always need both parents. Don’t imagine that a stepparent will replace their separated parent, even if the children develop over time a good relationship with the stepparent. The connection of parent and child is special, and brings something unique to our lives, a perspective and love that can’t be replaced. Don’t underestimate the impact your presence has on their development and happiness.

Putting your child first

When you’re separated, it’s easy to focus on the struggles between you and your ex-partner. Maybe you’re not seeing your children as much as you’d like, or you feel financially overwhelmed. It can be frustrating and painful. But during such times, please remember your children. They don’t see the conflict as we do, but they are affected by it.

They need our understanding and our love. They need their mum and dad.

Exert yourselves to be there for them – emotionally, physically, and mentally. Show them that, no matter what happens, you’ll always be there for them. Stay committed and stay involved.

The role of mediation

In my work as a mediator, I’ve seen how conflict between parents can affect children. I’ve seen fathers who feel shut out from their children’s lives and mothers who feel overwhelmed. I understand the cultural and emotional challenges that make co-parenting tough, especially in some ethnic communities. But I’ve also seen how mediation can build bridges, helping parents work together for the sake of their children.

When emotions run high and communication breaks down, mediation can offer a safe space to initiate dialogue with focus on the children and ensuring they have a healthy relationship with both parents. Even if it feels impossible now, I urge you to give mediation a chance. It’s not about winning or losing – it’s about ensuring your child grows up knowing they’re loved by both parents.

I know that you can come out of this process with a strong, loving bond with your children and a respectful, supportive relationship to that end with your ex-partner.

The struggle is worth it. Both parents can continue to be significant influences in their children’s lives, to help shape whom they become. Don’t let the difficulties stop you from being the parents they need. Show up. Stay committed. Be present.

Yours sincerely,
A parent and mediator