I recently appeared as a guest on Islam Channel’s Salaam Britain and the today show to talk about family mediation and the service offered by me at Salam Mediation. While there was an understandable emphasis on the subject in the context of the Muslim community, much of what was discussed is also relevant to other communities and cultures.
The two interviews covered essentially the same information, although with some difference of emphasis.
I will summarise the discussions below, combined as if a single discourse for clarity and to avoid repetition, but you can also view the full interviews here:
I began with telling of my own experience of divorce and the subsequent challenge of reaching agreement with my ex-wife about sharing access to our son.
All too often, the end of a relationship is accompanied by acrimonious feelings of one or both partners, which can make the settling of finances and child access difficult. They often see seeking legal counsel as their only recourse.
I spent four years trying to amicably resolve outstanding issues regarding access to my son. I also referred to the Islamic Shariah Council. When neither of these approaches brought results, I applied to the family court, and after 8 months waiting for a hearing, finally gained the access to my son that I’d hoped for.
As a Muslim of Asian background, who grew up and was educated in the UK, I looked into both UK and Islamic law to try to arrive at the appropriate solution for our situation.
After my experience I was inspired to assist others who were going through the same things my family had, in the hope that they could be saved some of the pains we had suffered.
I provided support in matters relating to finances and child arrangements, serving as a Mackenzie friend, accompanying them to court and assisting with filling out forms. I did this for almost ten years, after which I trained and qualified as a family mediator.
Mediation is not about taking sides or dictating solutions. It’s about creating a space where all family members can express themselves without fear of judgement or bias. The mediator helps the parties to arrive at mutually agreeable arrangements.
Mediators do not impose solutions. Their role is to facilitate the harmonious resolution of the issues, enabling the clients to come up with solutions that they will be content with. Mediators can and do make suggestions for the clients to consider, and they will evaluate and test the feasibility of any proposals, but ultimately, it’s up to the clients to decide what they want to do.
The point of mediation is not to bring couples together, but to facilitate an amicable separation, sorting out the issues relating to finances and child arrangements. I do, however, emphasise the importance of seeking help, whether faith or relationship based, to deal with issues in the marriage. In other words, work on the marriage before considering divorce.
There is a set process for family mediation. Initially the mediator speaks to each parent individually, then proceeds with the couple either separately or together, online or in person. The couple can come to an agreement, which can be made legally binding through a court process if so desired, but without having to go to court.
Every child deserves the love, affection, attention, and care of both parents; and both parents deserve to be a significant part of their children’s lives.
I urged parents to prioritise their children’s wellbeing and to work together to provide a stable and loving environment. They should be aware of how children may suffer when one parent is excluded from their life, leading to long-lasting emotional trauma. The children also suffer if they witness conflict between their parents.
Islam, in common with other religious and cultural traditions, stresses the importance of maintaining family ties, promoting reconciliation and harmony, and resolving disputes through peaceful means, seeking the counsel of family and knowledgeable outsiders.
I have studied the relevant shariah principles, but I emphasised that as a mediator I don’t give advice or make recommendations. I can and do refer clients to relevant resources if they ask.
The first point to emphasise is the cost of going to court to resolve your differences over finances and family arrangements. It is significantly more expensive than mediation and takes considerably longer.
Another striking difference between mediators and solicitors is that a solicitor necessarily takes the side of their client and takes a confrontational approach to the issues. Family mediators are impartial.
Family court will listen to both parents, and above all will consider the interests of the children, but unlike mediation, the court will come to a decision which it will then impose on the parents.
Family court has recognised the value of mediation, and currently recommends that the parents engage in mediation before the court will hear the case, if the parents are unable to reach an agreement, and the mediator signs off on the case. While mediation is not now mandatory, it is being considered to make it so.
As it now stands, the parties may stop mediation at any time, and it’s important to emphasise that whatever is discussed in mediation remains confidential, unless there are issues of family safety.
My appearances on Salaam Britain and the today show highlighted the importance of family mediation to resolve conflicts, strengthen family bonds, and promote harmony. I emphasised the importance of prioritising the children’s needs and happiness, while protecting them from the upset of parental conflict.
I encourage you to watch the full interviews to gain a deeper understanding of family mediation and its potential to transform lives and maintain peace within families.
