An open letter on the importance of both parents’ contact with their children: A challenging journey for the sake of the children

A young boy sits in a blue play structure, looking curious, while his father smiles warmly at him, surrounded by lush green foliage in an outdoor setting.

Dear parents,

I want to talk to you not as a mediator, not as someone who has worked in family law for more than 15 years and has spoken to many parents, but as a dad – one who has been in your shoes. I’ve been a separated father since my child was born. My son and I have now shared 16 years of growing, bonding, and making memories. It has not always been easy, but we’re very close now. We travel, study, and work together, and I can’t imagine life without him.

This journey hasn’t been easy. Being a separated dad has brought its own struggles, frustrations, and difficulties, but I assure you that it has also been greatly rewarding.

The sad reality is that for some parents who have separated, their children become a means of punishing their ex-spouse. Most, however, care deeply about their children and their welfare, and they will ultimately struggle to ensure that the children have good relations with both parents.

The importance of being there

Divorce or separation can come with a lot of heavy feelings. It’s easy to get lost in the arguments, to feel anger or resentment. The most important thing I’ve learned from my and my ex-wife’s experience and from talking to over 200 parents as a mediator is that your children need you.

No matter what your feelings towards your ex-partner, be sure that your children need both parents. Even if you enter into a new relationship, your children will always need both parents. Don’t imagine that a stepparent will replace their separated parent, even if the children develop over time a good relationship with the stepparent. The connection of parent and child is special, and brings something unique to our lives, a perspective and love that can’t be replaced. Don’t underestimate the impact your presence has on their development and happiness.

Putting your child first

When you’re separated, it’s easy to focus on the struggles between you and your ex-partner. Maybe you’re not seeing your children as much as you’d like, or you feel financially overwhelmed. It can be frustrating and painful. But during such times, please remember your children. They don’t see the conflict as we do, but they are affected by it.

They need our understanding and our love. They need their mum and dad.

Exert yourselves to be there for them – emotionally, physically, and mentally. Show them that, no matter what happens, you’ll always be there for them. Stay committed and stay involved.

The role of mediation

In my work as a mediator, I’ve seen how conflict between parents can affect children. I’ve seen fathers who feel shut out from their children’s lives and mothers who feel overwhelmed. I understand the cultural and emotional challenges that make co-parenting tough, especially in some ethnic communities. But I’ve also seen how mediation can build bridges, helping parents work together for the sake of their children.

When emotions run high and communication breaks down, mediation can offer a safe space to initiate dialogue with focus on the children and ensuring they have a healthy relationship with both parents. Even if it feels impossible now, I urge you to give mediation a chance. It’s not about winning or losing – it’s about ensuring your child grows up knowing they’re loved by both parents.

I know that you can come out of this process with a strong, loving bond with your children and a respectful, supportive relationship to that end with your ex-partner.

The struggle is worth it. Both parents can continue to be significant influences in their children’s lives, to help shape whom they become. Don’t let the difficulties stop you from being the parents they need. Show up. Stay committed. Be present.

Yours sincerely,
A parent and mediator

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

New Family Procedure Rules (FPR): Promoting Out-of-Court Settlements

Illustration of a person carrying a large arrow with a speech bubble saying NCDR, representing Non-Court Dispute Resolution for family conflicts.

The Family Procedure Rules (FPR) were changed in April 2024 to put even greater emphasis on resolving family disputes through Non-Court Dispute Resolution (NCDR), formerly also referred to as Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR).

While some clients prefer going to court, believing that a court verdict carries more weight, there has been a movement in the courts and as directed by legislation, towards resolving family disputes through out-of-court settlements. These are often quicker, less stressful, and less expensive. They have the added benefit of relieving load on the court system.

The new rules require that all family cases be considered for out-of-court resolution.

Non-Court Dispute Resolution (NCDR)

NCDR is resolution achieved through methods other than a court process, consisting of mediation, arbitration, evaluation by a neutral third party, and / or collaborative law.

The new FPR rules mandate court scrutiny of MIAM (Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting) attendance and NCDR activity. Additionally, there is a stronger emphasis on attending a MIAM. While it is still not mandatory, there are now fewer exceptions allowed, and evidence is required for any exemptions claimed.

Gaps between hearings in the court proceedings will be used for ‘judicial nudging’ to encourage MIAM and NCDR. At every court hearing, the judge will be assessing if NCDR is appropriate and if not why not. Clients may be required to engage in NCDR before being allowed to continue with the hearing.

NCDR vs Seeking Resolution Through the Courts

Some clients still prefer going to court to resolve their issues, believing that a judge’s decision holds more weight, however, out-of-court settlements are usually quicker, less stressful and less expensive.

There’s also the personal factor that can lead people to prefer a court hearing. Relationships that have failed may end with hostility between the parties and attempts to resolve outstanding issues result in conflict. The legal system is adversarial, which suits the mood of battling ex-partners.

It also adds to the conflict and the stress experienced by them, and that can have a knock-on effect on the children.

Court Case Load

It should also be noted that the total case load being heard by the courts is so much that there are long delays in getting court dates. According to one assessment the average time to resolution in court is 435 days, compared to 110 days in mediation. The difference in cost was determined to be on average £1000 with mediation, or £30,000 through the courts. Delays are expensive and stressful.

Role of Solicitors and Legal Professionals

As with the public at large, some solicitors prefer a confrontational approach to negotiation, often leading to a court hearing. 

With the new FPR rules placing greater emphasis on NCDR, solicitors are being encouraged to embrace this approach. With the judicial encouragement of NCDR, reluctant solicitors will be required to go along with it. Simple refusal to engage in mediation, or superficial compliance with the requirement will no longer be accepted. Clients must provide detailed justification why they believe NCDR is inappropriate for them. Clients will be required to file with the court their views on using NCDR.

With the applicability of NCDR being reviewed through the different phases of a court hearing, once there is more information about the case before judges they are better able to assess the merit of referring the litigants to NCDR.

Exemptions to the Requirement to Attend MIAMs

The requirement to attend MIAMs is not absolute. Where there is concern about domestic abuse, or if one or both clients are unable to attend meetings, or lack the facilities for remote meetings, exemptions can and will be made.

If there is a suspicion of domestic abuse, the mediator will simply report to the court that NCDR is not appropriate. The mediator will not expose the client by specifying domestic abuse in the report.

The Role of Mediation

For now, mediation is still not mandatory and in specific cases never will be, but there is stronger encouragement to engage in it, and more rigorous proof required to avoid it.

It’s been mentioned before, but is worth repeating that NCDR is cheaper, quicker and less stressful than taking the matter to court.

It’s worth noting that the refusal of one of the parties to attend a MIAM will not be allowed to delay proceedings. A judge will order an assessment, investigation, and report.

Government Mediation Grant

The government has introduced a voucher of up to £500 for child arrangements mediation. This will encourage people to pursue mediation when before they may have been more inclined towards in-person litigation.

 

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

Parental Alienation and Divorce in South Asian Families: A Mediator’s Perspective on Maintaining Parent-Child Bonds

A painting of a parent walking hand-in-hand with two children, their silhouettes illuminated against a warm, glowing backdrop. The reflective surface beneath them creates a sense of connection and hope, symbolising unity and support during challenging times.

Introduction

I have been engaged with family law for the past 15 years, including 4 years as a registered family mediator. My involvement with family law began after my own relationship breakdown and the resulting issues my ex-spouse and I faced.

While I have a culturally varied client base, my own ethnic and religious background has brought me into contact with many clients with backgrounds like mine: South Asians and Muslims.

I have seen that all too often fathers, after divorce, lose contact with their children, and their children then grow up not knowing their fathers. While this can be seen across cultures, it does seem to me to be more pronounced in the South Asian and Muslim communities, where divorce is considered shameful. Consequently, its ramifications are rarely spoken of.

Even when it is discussed, the focus tends to be on the breakdown of the marital relationship, not on the impact it has on the children. I hope that religious and community leaders can be persuaded of the importance of and impact on the rights of children in divorced families, and that they may then raise awareness of this in their communities.

While some of the following will be particularly relevant to specific communities, I believe that others going through post-separation problems over child access will find much in it that’s also relevant to their situations.

Parental Alienation

Parental alienation occurs when one parent tries to damage their children’s relationship with the other parent by displaying negativity towards him or her, ultimately leading to alienation of the children from the targeted parent.   This can be considered a form of emotional child abuse.

It’s important to emphasise that where there is actual abuse or neglect, anything that might be said against the abusing parent would not be considered parental alienation but rather a legitimate warning.

Cultural Complexities in Divorce

In South Asian Muslim families, divorce is often considered shameful. The extended family gets involved, supporting their own family member hence adding to the pressure on the couple. The dynamic applied is one of confrontation and blame, adding to the difficulty of achieving peaceful engagement and resolution of the issues. The outcome of that can be avoidance of the issues that should be addressed.

I often hear from fathers that, “If the children are mine, they will come back to me.” This belief in “blood ties overcoming all” leads fathers to think that they don’t need to apply themselves to seeking appropriate access to their children, believing their bond with their children will naturally bring them back together over time.

This approach can be damaging, as alienated children rarely reach out on their own to rebuild a relationship with an absent parent.  This can also be the result when no effort is made by the non-resident parent to establish and maintain contact with their children, for whatever reason, even if there has been no parental alienation at all.

Resentment Following the Divorce

Mothers, more often than not the resident parent (i.e. the parent with whom the children primarily reside, and who is considered the primary caregiver), may block fathers from seeing their children for various reasons. Some hold on to bitterness from the marriage breakdown, while others feel justified in restricting access if they believe the father hasn’t met financial responsibilities.

Fathers, on the other hand, may say, “Why should I provide support if I can’t see my children?” This creates a vicious cycle, where the children are caught in the middle of their parents’ conflict.

Domestic Abuse Claims and Legal Aid

One issue I frequently see as a mediator is the use of domestic abuse allegations, especially to access legal aid. In the UK, legal aid is available to victims of domestic abuse, provided they can show evidence. This has led to what’s known as the “domestic violence gateway.”

While domestic abuse is a serious issue and any claim of abuse must be taken seriously, there has been a worrying trend of such claims being used strategically in child access disputes. Many fathers see this as an unfair and unfounded tactic used to block access to their children.

In mediation such situations must be handled with sensitivity, ensuring both sides are heard, but it’s important to acknowledge that not all allegations may be warranted. The challenge lies in balancing the legitimate need to protect victims while preventing the misuse of such claims in family conflicts.

How Mediation Can Help

As a mediator, my main concern is always what is in the children’s best interest. Mediation offers a neutral space where both parents can express their concerns, and together we work towards creating a co-parenting plan that prioritises the children’s needs. In many cases, mediation can help break through the emotional and cultural barriers that prevent parents from cooperating.

In my experience, when parents start seeing beyond their grievances and focus on their children’s emotional health, they begin to change. Fathers who have felt powerless or disengaged can regain their role in their child’s life, while mothers can learn to trust the father’s involvement and work towards a healthier co-parenting relationship. Mediation can be the key to breaking the cycle of alienation or disengagement and to ensuring the children benefit from both parents’ involvement.

Why Parenting Plans Fail

One of the most frustrating aspects of mediation is when carefully crafted parenting plans fall apart over minor disagreements. It’s disheartening because both parents work hard to reach these agreements, but minor conflicts subsequently derail the process.

I encourage parents to focus on the bigger picture and consider their children’s needs rather than their personal grievances. Parenting plans are designed to benefit the child, and as CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) outlines in its welfare checklist, decisions should be made with the child’s best interests in mind. When one parent blocks access or the other fails to stick to the plan, it’s the children who suffer most. This breakdown in communication can severely damage the children’s relationship with the non-resident parent.

Even when a solid parenting plan is in place, the challenge lies in its day-to-day implementation. Both parents must remain committed to their children’s well-being, prioritising compromise over personal disagreements.

Conclusion

Parental alienation in South Asian, Muslim (and other) families is a complex issue that goes beyond the legal and cultural challenges of divorce. Fathers often lose contact with their children, while mothers may use legal avenues, such as domestic abuse claims, to limit access. Extended family involvement can further complicate the situation, making it harder to focus on what’s best for the children.

Through mediation there’s a chance to change this. By bringing the parents together in a neutral environment and emphasising the children’s needs, mediation offers a way to ensure that both parents play an active role in their children’s lives.

It’s to be hoped that community and religious leaders will come to use their influence to emphasise the rights of children in divorced families, focusing on the long-term impact on their emotional and mental well-being.

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

Focus on Children: Shared Parenting in a Changing World

Over the last several decades family dynamics have changed significantly, but one aspect of the family should continue to be our focus—the need to prioritise the well-being of our children.

As a family mediator and as a parent navigating the complexities of shared parenting, I’ve witnessed firsthand the transformative power of placing our children at the centre of our decisions and actions.

The Journey of Shared Parenting

My journey through separated parenting has been one of constant learning, growth, and, at times, profound challenges. My son, his mother and I have traversed this path since his birth, and while it hasn’t been without its frustrations and difficulties, our unwavering focus on his needs has been our guiding light.

Challenges and Priorities

Separated parenting presents a unique array of hurdles, particularly for the child caught in the parental divide. From a tender age, my son has grappled with the tasks of appeasing and pleasing both parents, often to the detriment of his own peace of mind. It’s a circumstance no child should endure, yet regrettably, it’s a reality for many in similar circumstances. In our journey, my ex-wife and I have endeavoured to place our son’s needs above all else. We’ve recognised that successful parenting, especially post-separation, necessitates a fundamental shift—from dwelling on our grievances to considering our child’s emotions and aspirations.

Empowering Children

One of the valuable lessons I’ve learned is the importance of giving our son a voice in decisions that affect his life. Even at a young age, we encouraged open and age-appropriate discussions about his wishes and desires. Asking him questions like, “Where do you feel things have gone wrong, and how can we make things better for you?” has been instrumental in fostering trust and communication in our co-parenting journey.

Through these discussions, we’ve gained invaluable insights into our son’s perspective, his hopes, fears, and aspirations. It’s enabled him to express himself freely and assert his needs, knowing that his voice matters in shaping his own future.

Our son’s journey through separated parenting has been far from easy, but it’s also been a testament to his resilience and adaptability. Despite the challenges, he has blossomed into a confident, broad-minded young man, guided by the unwavering love and support of both parents.

Children, their Parents, and the Courts

The Children Act 1989 determined which parent would have “custody” of the children, and that parent typically took all the decisions concerning the child. 

This was replaced by an amendment in 2014 that changed the term “child custody order” to “child arrangement order”, and introduced a new term, “parental responsibility”, that recognised the right of both parents to be involved in important decisions with respect to the children.

For details of decisions the court may direct regarding child arrangements, click here.

Shared Parenting: Beyond Legal Arrangements

In writing this article, it’s clear to me that shared parenting isn’t just a legal concept or a theoretical ideal—it’s a lived experience, shaped by the unique dynamics of each family. It’s a journey fraught with challenges and complexities, but one that ultimately hinges on our ability to put our children’s needs above all else.

What exactly is shared parenting?

Shared parenting, also known as joint co-parenting, is a collaborative approach where both parents actively participate in their children’s upbringing post-separation. It recognises that children benefit most from having meaningful relationships with both parents and emphasises the importance of cooperative co-parenting relationships.

It’s important to note that shared parenting is about more than the amount of time the children spend with each parent.  What matters is an ongoing involvement of both parents in all aspects of the children’s lives, and in significant decisions affecting the children.  Typically, children love and are attached to both parents, and shared parenting fosters and encourages this.  Separated parents should understand that despite their differences, they must never seek to compete for their children’s attention, but rather they should cooperate to achieve the best outcome for their children.

There are practical steps that can be taken to work toward a successful shared parenting arrangement, and this is something that can be explored in family mediation, dependent as it is on the specific circumstances of the parents and their children.

Research has consistently shown that children raised in shared parenting arrangements fare better in almost every aspect of their lives. From improved emotional well-being to higher academic achievement, the benefits of shared parenting are undeniable. By fostering stability, continuity, and security, shared parenting lays the foundation for healthy development and resilience in children.

Philosophy of Shared Parenting

But shared parenting is about more than just legal arrangements—it’s a philosophy rooted in empathy, cooperation, and above all, love for one’s children. It requires a fundamental shift in perspective, from focusing on parental rights to prioritising children’s needs above all else. It’s about recognising that successful parenting is not measured by the amount of time spent with a child but by the quality of the interactions and relationships forged.

In Conclusion

My personal journey through shared parenting has shown me its transformative power. Despite the challenges and uncertainties, my ex-wife and I have remained steadfast in our commitment to putting our son’s needs first. Through open communication, mutual respect, and a shared dedication to his well-being, we’ve created a supportive environment where our son can thrive and flourish.

As family mediators, it’s our responsibility to champion the cause of shared parenting and advocate for its widespread adoption. By providing parents with the knowledge, resources, and support they need to navigate shared parenting successfully, we can help ensure that every child can thrive, in a nurturing and supportive environment, irrespective of their parents’ relationship status.

In conclusion, shared parenting is not just a legal concept—it’s a way of life. It’s about focusing on the children, fostering their resilience, and laying the foundation for a bright future for them. In a changing world where the only constant is change itself, shared parenting offers a beacon of hope—a promise of stability, continuity, and unconditional love.

Are you looking for a child arrangement mediator?

Opting for mediation instead of court can save time and money while ensuring a fair and lasting agreement. Moreover, mediation offers privacy and control over the outcome in a confidential setting.

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

What is financial settlement mediation?

If you’re going through a separation or divorce, you will want to reach an appropriate settlement with your ex-partner regarding your finances, including the disposition of any shared property: Who will live in the family home, or will it be sold, and the proceeds shared? What provisions will be made for the maintenance of any children?

This guide will give you an idea how financial settlement mediation can help you to deal with these issues.

What is financial settlement mediation?

If you’re looking for a collaborative and non-confrontational approach to reaching agreement on child support, spousal maintenance, property division, pensions, assets, and debt management, mediation is a great option.

The impartial mediator fosters effective communication and cooperation to identify the issues and achieve fair solutions. The process of financial mediation is cost-effective and efficient, defusing the possible tensions of the situation to enable a collaborative, non-confrontational approach.

Financial mediation typically involves the following steps:

  1. Attending a Mediation Initial Assessment Meeting (MIAM)
  2. Disclosing financial information
  3. Attending a joint meeting (discussion of priorities)
  4. Exploration of the available options for financial settlement
  5. Reaching a financial agreement and direction on how to make it legally binding

1. Attending a Mediation Initial Assessment Meeting (MIAM)

In the MIAM, we assess the suitability of the couple for financial mediation.

The mediator explains the process, its benefits, and what the couple can expect to happen during mediation. Participants can ask questions, gain insights, and learn the cost, probable duration of the process, and what steps they will need to take if mediation fails.

2. Disclosing financial information

After agreeing to proceed with financial mediation, the next step is to disclose details of the participants’ finances.

Information is provided by each participant about their income, property, savings, debts, pensions, and expenses. The mediator assists in identifying necessary corroborative documentation.

Transparency and accuracy of both parties are crucial for fair agreements. The mediator requires a clear understanding of the couple’s financial situation to explore suitable options for resolution.

The mediator will prepare a summary of the financial statement, known as an Open Financial Statement (OFS). It includes information about your capital, your liabilities, your income and your anticipated future expenditures.

3. Attending a joint meeting (discussion of priorities)

The mediator’s primary duty is to foster open communication, ensuring both parties can voice their perspectives and concerns. They pinpoint areas of accord and discord, guiding you to recognise shared interests. By maintaining impartiality, they help you to navigate emotional complexities, enabling a clear focus on the pivotal issues for each participant.

4. Exploration of the available options for financial settlement

The mediator guides you through your options to resolve any financial issues. They break down each issue into manageable parts, providing legal context. Then, they assist in identifying viable solutions, delving deeper into each. This involves brainstorming, assessing implications and feasibility. The mediator will encourage you to consider each other’s needs and interests to help you reach a fair and sustainable agreement.

5. Reaching a financial agreement and direction on how to make it legally binding

Once a preferred solution is reached with the assistance of the mediator, practical aspects of the solution are thoroughly examined to ensure workability and completeness.

Assuming both parties agree to proceed with this financial arrangement, the mediator drafts a summary, known as a Memorandum of Understanding. This document outlines the non-binding terms of the agreement, for review with your solicitor, who may then incorporate them into a document called a Consent Order, which may be submitted to the Court for judicial approval, making it legally binding upon acceptance.

How much does financial settlement mediation cost?

The cost of financial mediation varies depending on the chosen mediation service, the complexity of the participant’s situation (e.g., the number of assets involved) and any other variables involved.

In any case, it’s assured that the expense of financial mediation will be significantly less than pursuing an adversarial approach involving solicitors and court proceedings. The process is also significantly less disturbing to the participants.

For a clearer understanding of the usual costs involved, explore our property and finance mediation fees.

Are financial agreements legally binding?

Agreements reached in mediation can become legally binding, depending on the type of agreement and on if the appropriate legal steps are taken after mediation: Preparation of a Consent Order by a solicitor, and presentation to the Court for judicial approval. Mediators can guide you through this process.

Are you looking for a financial settlement mediator?

Opting for mediation instead of court can save time and money while ensuring a fair and lasting agreement. Moreover, mediation offers privacy and control over the outcome in a confidential setting.

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

Discussions of Family Mediation on Islam Channel

The Today Show in Islam Channel, two presenter and the family mediator Tawhid ar-Rahman. Discussing the issue of family mediation on the show.

I recently appeared as a guest on Islam Channel’s Salaam Britain and the today show to talk about family mediation and the service offered by me at Salam Mediation. While there was an understandable emphasis on the subject in the context of the Muslim community, much of what was discussed is also relevant to other communities and cultures.

The two interviews covered essentially the same information, although with some difference of emphasis.  

I will summarise the discussions below, combined as if a single discourse for clarity and to avoid repetition, but you can also view the full interviews here:

My own story of family breakdown

 I began with telling of my own experience of divorce and the subsequent challenge of reaching agreement with my ex-wife about sharing access to our son. 

All too often, the end of a relationship is accompanied by acrimonious feelings of one or both partners, which can make the settling of finances and child access difficult. They often see seeking legal counsel as their only recourse. 

I spent four years trying to amicably resolve outstanding issues regarding access to my son. I also referred to the Islamic Shariah Council. When neither of these approaches brought results, I applied to the family court, and after 8 months waiting for a hearing, finally gained the access to my son that I’d hoped for. 

As a Muslim of Asian background, who grew up and was educated in the UK, I looked into both UK and Islamic law to try to arrive at the appropriate solution for our situation. 

Sharing my experience

After my experience I was inspired to assist others who were going through the same things my family had, in the hope that they could be saved some of the pains we had suffered.

I provided support in matters relating to finances and child arrangements, serving as a Mackenzie friend, accompanying them to court and assisting with filling out forms. I did this for almost ten years, after which I trained and qualified as a family mediator.

The role of the mediator

Mediation is not about taking sides or dictating solutions. It’s about creating a space where all family members can express themselves without fear of judgement or bias. The mediator helps the parties to arrive at mutually agreeable arrangements. 

Mediators do not impose solutions. Their role is to facilitate the harmonious resolution of the issues, enabling the clients to come up with solutions that they will be content with. Mediators can and do make suggestions for the clients to consider, and they will evaluate and test the feasibility of any proposals, but ultimately, it’s up to the clients to decide what they want to do. 

The point of mediation is not to bring couples together, but to facilitate an amicable separation, sorting out the issues relating to finances and child arrangements. I do, however, emphasise the importance of seeking help, whether faith or relationship based, to deal with issues in the marriage. In other words, work on the marriage before considering divorce. 

There is a set process for family mediation. Initially the mediator speaks to each parent individually, then proceeds with the couple either separately or together, online or in person. The couple can come to an agreement, which can be made legally binding through a court process if so desired, but without having to go to court. 

Emphasis on the children

Every child deserves the love, affection, attention, and care of both parents; and both parents deserve to be a significant part of their children’s lives.

I urged parents to prioritise their children’s wellbeing and to work together to provide a stable and loving environment. They should be aware of how children may suffer when one parent is excluded from their life, leading to long-lasting emotional trauma. The children also suffer if they witness conflict between their parents.

The Islamic perspective

Islam, in common with other religious and cultural traditions, stresses the importance of maintaining family ties, promoting reconciliation and harmony, and resolving disputes through peaceful means, seeking the counsel of family and knowledgeable outsiders.

I have studied the relevant shariah principles, but I emphasised that as a mediator I don’t give advice or make recommendations. I can and do refer clients to relevant resources if they ask.

Mediation vs family court

The first point to emphasise is the cost of going to court to resolve your differences over finances and family arrangements. It is significantly more expensive than mediation and takes considerably longer. 

Another striking difference between mediators and solicitors is that a solicitor necessarily takes the side of their client and takes a confrontational approach to the issues. Family mediators are impartial.

Family court will listen to both parents, and above all will consider the interests of the children, but unlike mediation, the court will come to a decision which it will then impose on the parents.

Family court has recognised the value of mediation, and currently recommends that the parents engage in mediation before the court will hear the case, if the parents are unable to reach an agreement, and the mediator signs off on the case. While mediation is not now mandatory, it is being considered to make it so.

As it now stands, the parties may stop mediation at any time, and it’s important to emphasise that whatever is discussed in mediation remains confidential, unless there are issues of family safety.

In summary

My appearances on Salaam Britain and the today show highlighted the importance of family mediation to resolve conflicts, strengthen family bonds, and promote harmony. I emphasised the importance of prioritising the children’s needs and happiness, while protecting them from the upset of parental conflict. 

I encourage you to watch the full interviews to gain a deeper understanding of family mediation and its potential to transform lives and maintain peace within families.

End the Blame Game: ‘No-Fault Divorce’ is on its way

The Divorce, Dissolution, and Separation Bill – welcoming no-fault divorces in the UK
The UK is all set to enforce a Divorce, Dissolution, and Separation bill that will finally ensure that divorcing couples don’t have to blame one another for the breakdown of their marriage. This bill, meant to be enforced on 6th April 2022, will welcome no-fault divorces in the UK and reduce family conflicts between divorcing individuals.

This divorce and separation bill is inarguably the biggest shake-up in divorce laws in more than 50 years as it will directly target the archaic blame game, which has been part of English divorce law since 1660. The new bill will give way to no-fault divorces, which have been the norm in jurisdictions worldwide, such as the US, Australia, Canada, etc.

Let’s explore the divorce bill in more detail!
Currently, one of the partners has to make an accusation regarding the conduct of the other partner, citing unreasonable behaviour, desertion, adultery, etc. Otherwise, they will have to face years of legal separation (at least two or five years) before the court will grant them a divorce. The same is true for mutual divorces.

Out of every five marriage dissolution petitions from the past three years, almost three depend on conduct-based evidence and two on separation-based rulings. From 2016 to 2018, behavioural complaints accounted for 46.7% of all the petitions (47.1% when combined with adultery.)

The new bill, first introduced in June 2019, has now been brought up again following the general election. It aims to remove this blame game from the equation as it will allow either spouses or both to make a statement of their divorce. This reform that is set to take effect in April will prevent one of the divorcing parties from contesting the divorce in most cases when their partner wants to end the marriage. It will prevent domestic abusers from exercising control over their victims.

An overview of the bill
This reform will help divorcing couples separate amicably instead of exacerbating their conflict, which will also affect their child if they have any. It will help the family move on with their lives and enables the ex-partners to form a healthy co-parenting relationship.

According to academic research, the US saw a one-third decrease in domestic violence and a 10% decrease in the murder rate of women by their partners in states that followed the no-fault divorce after Ronald Regan introduced the country’s first no-contest divorce in 1969.

The Divorce, Dissolution, and Separation Bill will:

  • Replace the blame-game with a statement of irretrievable breakdown
  • Strip away the power of contesting the decision to end the marriage from either party
  • Introduce a minimum period of 20 weeks between the start of the proceedings to the court’s confirmation of divorce

The government will also make parallel changes to the law governing the end of a civil partnership as it largely mirrors the legal process taken for the dissolution of marriage. Lastly, the bill will not apply to other areas of matrimonial law, such as the division of finances, as they are handled in separate court proceedings. With that said, this monumental bill is undoubtedly a welcome change in divorce laws that have been in existence for centuries now, and it will welcome the era of no-fault divorces in the UK!

Further reading:
Government website: Divorce ‘blame game’ to end
Resolution: Get ready for no-fault divorce

How do Muslim women pursue divorce in the UK?

Marriage is considered a significant part of the Muslim faith, and young adults are encouraged to participate in it as a part of their religious actions. It is a religious act that pleases Allah and offers young Muslim individuals a chance to grow their faith through a Nikkah (marriage).

Unfortunately, as with all marriages, Muslim marriages do not always work out. There are numerous reasons why Muslim women in the UK would wish to pursue divorce. It could be a simple reason like finding out they simply don’t get along with their husband or a cause of concern like domestic violence.

Whatever the case may be, Muslims marry and divorce based on the customs, traditions, and laws of their countries of origin. As discussed by Dr Islam Uddin (PhD Candidate, School of Law, Middlesex University) in his research on Muslim Family Law, marriage is considered as a binding ‘religio-legal’ contract between two individuals upon their Nikkah.

On the other hand, English law follows a monolithic system in which marriage and divorce are both legislated in accordance with Marriage Act 1949 and Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. This means that a marriage will only be considered valid in the UK if it takes place in an approved building and is certified by an authorised individual.

Unfortunately, this is where the problem occurs when women try to pursue a divorce in the UK. Since ‘Nikkah only’ ceremonies are unregistered, they have no legal recognition in the UK. In his research, Dr Islam Uddin points out how these unregistered marriages can cause women great grief if they try to pursue divorce as they can’t reach out to family courts. 
 
Understanding Islamic divorces
In Islam, women are given limited measures to seek divorce. If their husbands refuse to give them talaq, they are required to reach out to a religious authority to be released through khula or faksh. Since the Muslim community doesn’t accept secular divorces, women with a civil divorce are still considered married as per the Islamic community. This can create endless problems for Muslim women who wish to exit toxic, harmful marriages and start a new life for themselves. That is why Dr Islam Uddin carried out his research on how Muslim women pursue a divorce in the UK. He also analysed the problems they face and how the community reacts to such decisions.
 
The candidates of his study included 2nd-gen British Muslim women residing in London. Most of these women were in their mid-thirties to early forties, and they received a formal British education while also continuing forward to go to college. Despite these positive circumstances, participants pointed out how they weren’t allowed to leave their house or even talk to people on the ‘outside’. Their mothers-in-law had issues with the marriage, and there were instances of cheating as well.
 
Most Muslim women experienced increased pressure from their families to reconcile with their husbands, and some were even told that divorce simply wasn’t an option. This is a common occurrence in Muslim families across the globe, as divorce is seen as an embarrassment to the family, and their reputation is ‘tarnished’. 
 
Issues faced by Muslim women seeking divorce
In the research, Dr Islam Uddin points out how the divorce process for couples with a civil registered marriage differs. Some prefer opting for a civil divorce before seeking out a religious divorce, while others do it the other way around.
 
Limited knowledge 
Numerous participants mentioned how they barely had any information regarding the civil process and had to depend on others to make sense of it. A woman mentioned that her husband simply walked out, and she later heard from his solicitor, which was quite a frightening experience. Another candidate mentioned that her husband gave talaq, but she still had to get a civil divorce done to officiate the end of her marriage.  
Unfortunately, people don’t always realise the proper way to give talaq. One of the participants recalled being separated from her husband, who one day came and sat her in the car only to say ‘I’m divorcing you’ thrice. This isn’t the right way to give an Islamic divorce, but most people don’t realise that.
 
Forceful reconciliation 
Even Imams and Muslim scholars tend to get it wrong when it comes to the correct way of giving an Islamic divorce. Women are often asked to seek help from the mosque or reach out to an Imam, who will then try to get the couple to reconcile instead of offering the right advice to proceed with the divorce. In the study, a woman was even told that domestic violence wasn’t a good enough reason to seek a divorce, which is absolutely outrageous and a clear misconstruction of Islamic laws.

“Give women ‘you wed’ their due dowries (Mahr) graciously. But if they waive some of it willingly, then you may enjoy it freely with a clear conscience..” (Quran 4:4)

Islamic marriages require the groom to pay mahr, which is any kind of monetary good, property or even service, to the bride. The mahr should be paid to the bride either before the Nikkah or any time the bride demands it. Moreover, the mahr becomes the bride’s property solely as soon as the marriage is consummated.

One of the biggest issues that Muslim women face is getting their rightful mahr. Muslim men are required to pay mahr before the Nikkah, but this isn’t common practice in the Asian subcontinent. This creates a classic case of culture and traditions taking precedence over Islamic teachings, and most women end up losing out on their mahr because the men simply refuse to give it.

Women usually just abandon the mahr and end the marriage because they simply cannot stay stuck in this loop forever. The Imams and the mosques should emphasise the need for men to pay mahr and make it a mandatory condition of the marriage. Additionally, Dr Islam Uddin’s study discovered that most of these men who portrayed themselves as broke and unable to pay ended up remarrying rather quickly. They faced no backlash or questioning from the Muslim community, while the women were labelled and considered solely responsible for the divorce.

The need for reconciliation services 

In the study, numerous solicitors and even Imamas agree that couples need counselling before their problems escalate to an unsolvable measure. Unfortunately, seeking marriage counselling or mediation is considered shameful in the Muslim community. This causes most couples to fight out their issues instead of actually resolving them, leading to divorces.

It is also important to note that family involvement in the marriage only makes things worse. Women turn to their families for support but end up being told to let go of the issues and bear with them for the sake of the marriage. They will quote from the Quran that issues in a marriage should be mediated by the family, not realising that ‘family’ in this context refers to someone trustworthy who has extensive knowledge of the religion.

Only people who truly understand Islamic rulings while also knowing the couple individually and coming from a similar culture can mediate Muslim marriages. 

However, if the couple realises that they simply cannot stay together any longer, the families are supposed to accept their decision. That is where Salam Mediation comes in to offer Muslim couples the mediation services they need to ensure a smooth divorce process. 

Reach out to us today for further help or guidance regarding a divorce support.

How do muslim women pursue divorce?
As per the study, Imams pointed out that Islamic divorces are simple and quick; however, there is a difference in opinion when it comes to the status of a civil divorce as compared to an Islamic talaq. The Hanafi (one of the schools of jurisprudence) opinion concludes that a husband signing consent is enough for an Islamic divorce, but other sects disagree. Additionally, an SC Judge pointed out that husbands can contest the divorce, which requires them to apply Islamic jurisprudence to the matter.

The study concluded the narratives of the women and experts were quite similar, and there was a clear problem in the way Muslim men proceed with divorces. Most men fail to act responsibly in such circumstances, and this is only fueled further by a lack of knowledge about Islamic talaq.


Reach out to Islamic mediation experts 

At Salam Mediation, we understand how difficult a divorce can be, even without any complications. But, when certain complications do enter your divorce proceedings, it makes matters so much tougher. 

Therefore, we offer expert mediation services to guide you every step of the way. From financial settlements to parental responsibility arrangements etc., we will be your rock through the civil and Islamic divorce. 

Further reading:
What are Muslim women’s options in religious divorce?

Muslim Marriage and Divorce Practices in Contemporary Britain