Parental Alienation and Divorce in South Asian Families: A Mediator’s Perspective on Maintaining Parent-Child Bonds

A painting of a parent walking hand-in-hand with two children, their silhouettes illuminated against a warm, glowing backdrop. The reflective surface beneath them creates a sense of connection and hope, symbolising unity and support during challenging times.

Introduction

I have been engaged with family law for the past 15 years, including 4 years as a registered family mediator. My involvement with family law began after my own relationship breakdown and the resulting issues my ex-spouse and I faced.

While I have a culturally varied client base, my own ethnic and religious background has brought me into contact with many clients with backgrounds like mine: South Asians and Muslims.

I have seen that all too often fathers, after divorce, lose contact with their children, and their children then grow up not knowing their fathers. While this can be seen across cultures, it does seem to me to be more pronounced in the South Asian and Muslim communities, where divorce is considered shameful. Consequently, its ramifications are rarely spoken of.

Even when it is discussed, the focus tends to be on the breakdown of the marital relationship, not on the impact it has on the children. I hope that religious and community leaders can be persuaded of the importance of and impact on the rights of children in divorced families, and that they may then raise awareness of this in their communities.

While some of the following will be particularly relevant to specific communities, I believe that others going through post-separation problems over child access will find much in it that’s also relevant to their situations.

Parental Alienation

Parental alienation occurs when one parent tries to damage their children’s relationship with the other parent by displaying negativity towards him or her, ultimately leading to alienation of the children from the targeted parent.   This can be considered a form of emotional child abuse.

It’s important to emphasise that where there is actual abuse or neglect, anything that might be said against the abusing parent would not be considered parental alienation but rather a legitimate warning.

Cultural Complexities in Divorce

In South Asian Muslim families, divorce is often considered shameful. The extended family gets involved, supporting their own family member hence adding to the pressure on the couple. The dynamic applied is one of confrontation and blame, adding to the difficulty of achieving peaceful engagement and resolution of the issues. The outcome of that can be avoidance of the issues that should be addressed.

I often hear from fathers that, “If the children are mine, they will come back to me.” This belief in “blood ties overcoming all” leads fathers to think that they don’t need to apply themselves to seeking appropriate access to their children, believing their bond with their children will naturally bring them back together over time.

This approach can be damaging, as alienated children rarely reach out on their own to rebuild a relationship with an absent parent.  This can also be the result when no effort is made by the non-resident parent to establish and maintain contact with their children, for whatever reason, even if there has been no parental alienation at all.

Resentment Following the Divorce

Mothers, more often than not the resident parent (i.e. the parent with whom the children primarily reside, and who is considered the primary caregiver), may block fathers from seeing their children for various reasons. Some hold on to bitterness from the marriage breakdown, while others feel justified in restricting access if they believe the father hasn’t met financial responsibilities.

Fathers, on the other hand, may say, “Why should I provide support if I can’t see my children?” This creates a vicious cycle, where the children are caught in the middle of their parents’ conflict.

Domestic Abuse Claims and Legal Aid

One issue I frequently see as a mediator is the use of domestic abuse allegations, especially to access legal aid. In the UK, legal aid is available to victims of domestic abuse, provided they can show evidence. This has led to what’s known as the “domestic violence gateway.”

While domestic abuse is a serious issue and any claim of abuse must be taken seriously, there has been a worrying trend of such claims being used strategically in child access disputes. Many fathers see this as an unfair and unfounded tactic used to block access to their children.

In mediation such situations must be handled with sensitivity, ensuring both sides are heard, but it’s important to acknowledge that not all allegations may be warranted. The challenge lies in balancing the legitimate need to protect victims while preventing the misuse of such claims in family conflicts.

How Mediation Can Help

As a mediator, my main concern is always what is in the children’s best interest. Mediation offers a neutral space where both parents can express their concerns, and together we work towards creating a co-parenting plan that prioritises the children’s needs. In many cases, mediation can help break through the emotional and cultural barriers that prevent parents from cooperating.

In my experience, when parents start seeing beyond their grievances and focus on their children’s emotional health, they begin to change. Fathers who have felt powerless or disengaged can regain their role in their child’s life, while mothers can learn to trust the father’s involvement and work towards a healthier co-parenting relationship. Mediation can be the key to breaking the cycle of alienation or disengagement and to ensuring the children benefit from both parents’ involvement.

Why Parenting Plans Fail

One of the most frustrating aspects of mediation is when carefully crafted parenting plans fall apart over minor disagreements. It’s disheartening because both parents work hard to reach these agreements, but minor conflicts subsequently derail the process.

I encourage parents to focus on the bigger picture and consider their children’s needs rather than their personal grievances. Parenting plans are designed to benefit the child, and as CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) outlines in its welfare checklist, decisions should be made with the child’s best interests in mind. When one parent blocks access or the other fails to stick to the plan, it’s the children who suffer most. This breakdown in communication can severely damage the children’s relationship with the non-resident parent.

Even when a solid parenting plan is in place, the challenge lies in its day-to-day implementation. Both parents must remain committed to their children’s well-being, prioritising compromise over personal disagreements.

Conclusion

Parental alienation in South Asian, Muslim (and other) families is a complex issue that goes beyond the legal and cultural challenges of divorce. Fathers often lose contact with their children, while mothers may use legal avenues, such as domestic abuse claims, to limit access. Extended family involvement can further complicate the situation, making it harder to focus on what’s best for the children.

Through mediation there’s a chance to change this. By bringing the parents together in a neutral environment and emphasising the children’s needs, mediation offers a way to ensure that both parents play an active role in their children’s lives.

It’s to be hoped that community and religious leaders will come to use their influence to emphasise the rights of children in divorced families, focusing on the long-term impact on their emotional and mental well-being.

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

Focus on Children: Shared Parenting in a Changing World

Over the last several decades family dynamics have changed significantly, but one aspect of the family should continue to be our focus—the need to prioritise the well-being of our children.

As a family mediator and as a parent navigating the complexities of shared parenting, I’ve witnessed firsthand the transformative power of placing our children at the centre of our decisions and actions.

The Journey of Shared Parenting

My journey through separated parenting has been one of constant learning, growth, and, at times, profound challenges. My son, his mother and I have traversed this path since his birth, and while it hasn’t been without its frustrations and difficulties, our unwavering focus on his needs has been our guiding light.

Challenges and Priorities

Separated parenting presents a unique array of hurdles, particularly for the child caught in the parental divide. From a tender age, my son has grappled with the tasks of appeasing and pleasing both parents, often to the detriment of his own peace of mind. It’s a circumstance no child should endure, yet regrettably, it’s a reality for many in similar circumstances. In our journey, my ex-wife and I have endeavoured to place our son’s needs above all else. We’ve recognised that successful parenting, especially post-separation, necessitates a fundamental shift—from dwelling on our grievances to considering our child’s emotions and aspirations.

Empowering Children

One of the valuable lessons I’ve learned is the importance of giving our son a voice in decisions that affect his life. Even at a young age, we encouraged open and age-appropriate discussions about his wishes and desires. Asking him questions like, “Where do you feel things have gone wrong, and how can we make things better for you?” has been instrumental in fostering trust and communication in our co-parenting journey.

Through these discussions, we’ve gained invaluable insights into our son’s perspective, his hopes, fears, and aspirations. It’s enabled him to express himself freely and assert his needs, knowing that his voice matters in shaping his own future.

Our son’s journey through separated parenting has been far from easy, but it’s also been a testament to his resilience and adaptability. Despite the challenges, he has blossomed into a confident, broad-minded young man, guided by the unwavering love and support of both parents.

Children, their Parents, and the Courts

The Children Act 1989 determined which parent would have “custody” of the children, and that parent typically took all the decisions concerning the child. 

This was replaced by an amendment in 2014 that changed the term “child custody order” to “child arrangement order”, and introduced a new term, “parental responsibility”, that recognised the right of both parents to be involved in important decisions with respect to the children.

For details of decisions the court may direct regarding child arrangements, click here.

Shared Parenting: Beyond Legal Arrangements

In writing this article, it’s clear to me that shared parenting isn’t just a legal concept or a theoretical ideal—it’s a lived experience, shaped by the unique dynamics of each family. It’s a journey fraught with challenges and complexities, but one that ultimately hinges on our ability to put our children’s needs above all else.

What exactly is shared parenting?

Shared parenting, also known as joint co-parenting, is a collaborative approach where both parents actively participate in their children’s upbringing post-separation. It recognises that children benefit most from having meaningful relationships with both parents and emphasises the importance of cooperative co-parenting relationships.

It’s important to note that shared parenting is about more than the amount of time the children spend with each parent.  What matters is an ongoing involvement of both parents in all aspects of the children’s lives, and in significant decisions affecting the children.  Typically, children love and are attached to both parents, and shared parenting fosters and encourages this.  Separated parents should understand that despite their differences, they must never seek to compete for their children’s attention, but rather they should cooperate to achieve the best outcome for their children.

There are practical steps that can be taken to work toward a successful shared parenting arrangement, and this is something that can be explored in family mediation, dependent as it is on the specific circumstances of the parents and their children.

Research has consistently shown that children raised in shared parenting arrangements fare better in almost every aspect of their lives. From improved emotional well-being to higher academic achievement, the benefits of shared parenting are undeniable. By fostering stability, continuity, and security, shared parenting lays the foundation for healthy development and resilience in children.

Philosophy of Shared Parenting

But shared parenting is about more than just legal arrangements—it’s a philosophy rooted in empathy, cooperation, and above all, love for one’s children. It requires a fundamental shift in perspective, from focusing on parental rights to prioritising children’s needs above all else. It’s about recognising that successful parenting is not measured by the amount of time spent with a child but by the quality of the interactions and relationships forged.

In Conclusion

My personal journey through shared parenting has shown me its transformative power. Despite the challenges and uncertainties, my ex-wife and I have remained steadfast in our commitment to putting our son’s needs first. Through open communication, mutual respect, and a shared dedication to his well-being, we’ve created a supportive environment where our son can thrive and flourish.

As family mediators, it’s our responsibility to champion the cause of shared parenting and advocate for its widespread adoption. By providing parents with the knowledge, resources, and support they need to navigate shared parenting successfully, we can help ensure that every child can thrive, in a nurturing and supportive environment, irrespective of their parents’ relationship status.

In conclusion, shared parenting is not just a legal concept—it’s a way of life. It’s about focusing on the children, fostering their resilience, and laying the foundation for a bright future for them. In a changing world where the only constant is change itself, shared parenting offers a beacon of hope—a promise of stability, continuity, and unconditional love.

Are you looking for a child arrangement mediator?

Opting for mediation instead of court can save time and money while ensuring a fair and lasting agreement. Moreover, mediation offers privacy and control over the outcome in a confidential setting.

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

What is financial settlement mediation?

If you’re going through a separation or divorce, you will want to reach an appropriate settlement with your ex-partner regarding your finances, including the disposition of any shared property: Who will live in the family home, or will it be sold, and the proceeds shared? What provisions will be made for the maintenance of any children?

This guide will give you an idea how financial settlement mediation can help you to deal with these issues.

What is financial settlement mediation?

If you’re looking for a collaborative and non-confrontational approach to reaching agreement on child support, spousal maintenance, property division, pensions, assets, and debt management, mediation is a great option.

The impartial mediator fosters effective communication and cooperation to identify the issues and achieve fair solutions. The process of financial mediation is cost-effective and efficient, defusing the possible tensions of the situation to enable a collaborative, non-confrontational approach.

Financial mediation typically involves the following steps:

  1. Attending a Mediation Initial Assessment Meeting (MIAM)
  2. Disclosing financial information
  3. Attending a joint meeting (discussion of priorities)
  4. Exploration of the available options for financial settlement
  5. Reaching a financial agreement and direction on how to make it legally binding

1. Attending a Mediation Initial Assessment Meeting (MIAM)

In the MIAM, we assess the suitability of the couple for financial mediation.

The mediator explains the process, its benefits, and what the couple can expect to happen during mediation. Participants can ask questions, gain insights, and learn the cost, probable duration of the process, and what steps they will need to take if mediation fails.

2. Disclosing financial information

After agreeing to proceed with financial mediation, the next step is to disclose details of the participants’ finances.

Information is provided by each participant about their income, property, savings, debts, pensions, and expenses. The mediator assists in identifying necessary corroborative documentation.

Transparency and accuracy of both parties are crucial for fair agreements. The mediator requires a clear understanding of the couple’s financial situation to explore suitable options for resolution.

The mediator will prepare a summary of the financial statement, known as an Open Financial Statement (OFS). It includes information about your capital, your liabilities, your income and your anticipated future expenditures.

3. Attending a joint meeting (discussion of priorities)

The mediator’s primary duty is to foster open communication, ensuring both parties can voice their perspectives and concerns. They pinpoint areas of accord and discord, guiding you to recognise shared interests. By maintaining impartiality, they help you to navigate emotional complexities, enabling a clear focus on the pivotal issues for each participant.

4. Exploration of the available options for financial settlement

The mediator guides you through your options to resolve any financial issues. They break down each issue into manageable parts, providing legal context. Then, they assist in identifying viable solutions, delving deeper into each. This involves brainstorming, assessing implications and feasibility. The mediator will encourage you to consider each other’s needs and interests to help you reach a fair and sustainable agreement.

5. Reaching a financial agreement and direction on how to make it legally binding

Once a preferred solution is reached with the assistance of the mediator, practical aspects of the solution are thoroughly examined to ensure workability and completeness.

Assuming both parties agree to proceed with this financial arrangement, the mediator drafts a summary, known as a Memorandum of Understanding. This document outlines the non-binding terms of the agreement, for review with your solicitor, who may then incorporate them into a document called a Consent Order, which may be submitted to the Court for judicial approval, making it legally binding upon acceptance.

How much does financial settlement mediation cost?

The cost of financial mediation varies depending on the chosen mediation service, the complexity of the participant’s situation (e.g., the number of assets involved) and any other variables involved.

In any case, it’s assured that the expense of financial mediation will be significantly less than pursuing an adversarial approach involving solicitors and court proceedings. The process is also significantly less disturbing to the participants.

For a clearer understanding of the usual costs involved, explore our property and finance mediation fees.

Are financial agreements legally binding?

Agreements reached in mediation can become legally binding, depending on the type of agreement and on if the appropriate legal steps are taken after mediation: Preparation of a Consent Order by a solicitor, and presentation to the Court for judicial approval. Mediators can guide you through this process.

Are you looking for a financial settlement mediator?

Opting for mediation instead of court can save time and money while ensuring a fair and lasting agreement. Moreover, mediation offers privacy and control over the outcome in a confidential setting.

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

Discussions of Family Mediation on Islam Channel

The Today Show in Islam Channel, two presenter and the family mediator Tawhid ar-Rahman. Discussing the issue of family mediation on the show.

I recently appeared as a guest on Islam Channel’s Salaam Britain and the today show to talk about family mediation and the service offered by me at Salam Mediation. While there was an understandable emphasis on the subject in the context of the Muslim community, much of what was discussed is also relevant to other communities and cultures.

The two interviews covered essentially the same information, although with some difference of emphasis.  

I will summarise the discussions below, combined as if a single discourse for clarity and to avoid repetition, but you can also view the full interviews here:

My own story of family breakdown

 I began with telling of my own experience of divorce and the subsequent challenge of reaching agreement with my ex-wife about sharing access to our son. 

All too often, the end of a relationship is accompanied by acrimonious feelings of one or both partners, which can make the settling of finances and child access difficult. They often see seeking legal counsel as their only recourse. 

I spent four years trying to amicably resolve outstanding issues regarding access to my son. I also referred to the Islamic Shariah Council. When neither of these approaches brought results, I applied to the family court, and after 8 months waiting for a hearing, finally gained the access to my son that I’d hoped for. 

As a Muslim of Asian background, who grew up and was educated in the UK, I looked into both UK and Islamic law to try to arrive at the appropriate solution for our situation. 

Sharing my experience

After my experience I was inspired to assist others who were going through the same things my family had, in the hope that they could be saved some of the pains we had suffered.

I provided support in matters relating to finances and child arrangements, serving as a Mackenzie friend, accompanying them to court and assisting with filling out forms. I did this for almost ten years, after which I trained and qualified as a family mediator.

The role of the mediator

Mediation is not about taking sides or dictating solutions. It’s about creating a space where all family members can express themselves without fear of judgement or bias. The mediator helps the parties to arrive at mutually agreeable arrangements. 

Mediators do not impose solutions. Their role is to facilitate the harmonious resolution of the issues, enabling the clients to come up with solutions that they will be content with. Mediators can and do make suggestions for the clients to consider, and they will evaluate and test the feasibility of any proposals, but ultimately, it’s up to the clients to decide what they want to do. 

The point of mediation is not to bring couples together, but to facilitate an amicable separation, sorting out the issues relating to finances and child arrangements. I do, however, emphasise the importance of seeking help, whether faith or relationship based, to deal with issues in the marriage. In other words, work on the marriage before considering divorce. 

There is a set process for family mediation. Initially the mediator speaks to each parent individually, then proceeds with the couple either separately or together, online or in person. The couple can come to an agreement, which can be made legally binding through a court process if so desired, but without having to go to court. 

Emphasis on the children

Every child deserves the love, affection, attention, and care of both parents; and both parents deserve to be a significant part of their children’s lives.

I urged parents to prioritise their children’s wellbeing and to work together to provide a stable and loving environment. They should be aware of how children may suffer when one parent is excluded from their life, leading to long-lasting emotional trauma. The children also suffer if they witness conflict between their parents.

The Islamic perspective

Islam, in common with other religious and cultural traditions, stresses the importance of maintaining family ties, promoting reconciliation and harmony, and resolving disputes through peaceful means, seeking the counsel of family and knowledgeable outsiders.

I have studied the relevant shariah principles, but I emphasised that as a mediator I don’t give advice or make recommendations. I can and do refer clients to relevant resources if they ask.

Mediation vs family court

The first point to emphasise is the cost of going to court to resolve your differences over finances and family arrangements. It is significantly more expensive than mediation and takes considerably longer. 

Another striking difference between mediators and solicitors is that a solicitor necessarily takes the side of their client and takes a confrontational approach to the issues. Family mediators are impartial.

Family court will listen to both parents, and above all will consider the interests of the children, but unlike mediation, the court will come to a decision which it will then impose on the parents.

Family court has recognised the value of mediation, and currently recommends that the parents engage in mediation before the court will hear the case, if the parents are unable to reach an agreement, and the mediator signs off on the case. While mediation is not now mandatory, it is being considered to make it so.

As it now stands, the parties may stop mediation at any time, and it’s important to emphasise that whatever is discussed in mediation remains confidential, unless there are issues of family safety.

In summary

My appearances on Salaam Britain and the today show highlighted the importance of family mediation to resolve conflicts, strengthen family bonds, and promote harmony. I emphasised the importance of prioritising the children’s needs and happiness, while protecting them from the upset of parental conflict. 

I encourage you to watch the full interviews to gain a deeper understanding of family mediation and its potential to transform lives and maintain peace within families.

What Is a Child Arrangement Order?

A Child Arrangement Order is a court order that regulates the care arrangements for children e.g., who they’re to live with and have contact with. If you and your ex-partner can’t agree on who should look after your children, or on details relating to their care and upbringing, you may need to apply for a Child Arrangement Order.

Anyone who has parental responsibility can apply for a Child Arrangement Order, whether they are a biological parent, a step-parent, a guardian or another relative. The court can make an order in favour of one person or of more than one person. For example, it may direct that a child lives with one parent and spends time with the other parent. It may also specify what contact there should be with siblings, step-parents, grandparents and other people who are important to them.

The law requires both parents to agree on the living arrangements, education, health care and other matters concerning their children, unless one parent has been found to have harmed their children by neglecting them or by abusing them in some way. The abuse could be physical or emotional and would include parental alienation: saying things to the children about the other parent to turn the children against them.

Child Arrangement Orders have replaced Contact Orders and Residence Orders, although parents who already have one of the older orders do not need to reapply for a new one. Such orders made by the Court are legally binding on the parents. 

Making an Application for a Child Arrangement Order​

Making an application for a Child Arrangement Order can be a daunting process. If you aren’t sure where to start or what to expect, this article will help you to understand the process. 

The first step in applying for a Child Arrangement Order is to attend a Mediation Information Assessment Meeting (MIAM). This meeting is central to all applications for a Child Arrangement Order and results in an assessment of the potential for agreement between the separating or divorcing parents or guardians. The Court will require a MIAM before it will hear most cases.  Depending on the outcome of the MIAM, you may or may not be able to resolve your issues by mutual agreement rather than having to take the matter to the Court.

Mediation offers a more collaborative process for resolving disagreements and can be used to negotiate any aspect of the divorce or family law process. Mediation is not mandatory, but it is often quicker and less expensive than going to Court. There are circumstances where mediation is not suitable, and these can be clarified before or after the MIAM, in discussion with the mediator.

If mediation is not a viable option, the next step is to submit a form to the Court with all relevant details and a declaration of your intent to seek a Child Arrangement Order.

At this stage, you may want to consult a solicitor before issuing and serving the paperwork to initiate the Court proceedings. A solicitor can review your documents and give you legal advice on whether they are appropriate or not. 

If mediation is of interest to you contact Salam Mediation  click here

First Hearing Dispute Resolution Appointment (FHDRA)  

Once the Court has received all necessary paperwork, they will provide you with a date for a First Hearing Dispute Resolution Appointment (FHDRA). All parents and guardians will be required to attend, along with an officer of the Children and Family Court Advisory Service (CAFCASS). However, since the start of the coronavirus pandemic most of these hearings are conducted remotely either by telephone conference call or video link. At the FHDRA the Court will consider the safeguarding information and will try and encourage the parties to resolve the matter by agreement. If an agreement is made, the Court will convert this into a Court order. Many cases are resolved at this initial hearing. 

If an agreement cannot be reached the case will proceed through further hearings, which may involve gathering further information on the case, having a CAFCASS officer spend time with the children and requiring parents to give evidence.

Dispute Resolution Hearing (DRA)

The next hearing that may be required is a Dispute Resolution Hearing (DRA). The aim of this hearing is to try to resolve the disputes or at the very least narrow any points of contention. Any additional evidence presented would be considered along with any reports from CAFCASS. If the issues are still not resolved, the matter will likely be listed for a final hearing.

Final Hearing  

It is very important that the parties try to settle the issues at the earliest possible stage of the process, to avoid the substantial costs that can often be incurred by a Final Hearing. During this hearing, the court would consider the outstanding issues and evidence submitted. It is likely that at this stage you will be questioned by both your legal representative and the other party’s legal representative. The Judge will consider the issues and evidence, make a judgement, and issue a Child Arrangement Order.

What will the Court consider?  

When making decisions about a Child Arrangement Order, the Court will always deem the child’s welfare to be the most important consideration and will ensure that arrangements are in place to achieve this. Specifically, the Court will consider: 

  • The wishes and feelings of the child 
  • The child’s physical, emotional and educational needs
  • The likely effect on the child of any change in their circumstances
  • The child’s age, sex, background, and any other relevant factors 
  • Any harm suffered by the child or the possibility of future harm
  • The capability of the child’s parents (or other relevant people) to meet the child’s needs
  • The court will also consider if making no order is suitable under the circumstances

What can a Child Arrangement Order include?

A Child Arrangement Order will typically include several conditions specifying where the child or children in question are to live, and who, and under what conditions those with parental responsibility will get to contact them.

  • The child’s primary residence (i.e., as formerly termed, who has custody)
  • Access (formerly referred to as contact) setting out whom a child will see, when this will take place; (e.g., after school, at certain weekends, on specific days, for holidays, etc.), and where the visits will take place (e.g., at the non-custodial parent’s home, at the child’s home, or in a public location)
  • How a child will keep in contact with family members when they are not together, for example, by email or telephone 
  • Other issues such as education, religion, overseas travel and change of name.

There are two additional types of Child Arrangement Order: a Specific Issues Order, and a Prohibited Steps Order. 

Specific Issues Orders determine specific matters relating to the upbringing of a child, such as the sort of education they receive (for example what school they go to, or whether their education is religious). A Prohibited Steps Order prevents a parent or guardian from taking a specific step, for example, moving a child out of the country.

How long does it take to get a Child Arrangement Order?

The length of time it takes to achieve a final Child Arrangement Order will vary depending on the complexity of the case, the amicability of all parties involved, and whether there are any safeguarding concerns regarding the children.

Mediation is the best way to get an agreement, for all parties involved. If all parties are willing to mediate, agreement can be reached without ever having to go to court.

If the case does progress to the Court, it used to take around six to eight weeks from when you submit the forms to apply for a Court hearing to when that preliminary hearing takes place.

If further hearings are required, there will be similar intervals of time between each hearing.

If a CAFCASS officer is required to produce a report as part of the case, this can take around twelve weeks. Including the preliminary steps of booking and attending the MIAM, preparing paperwork and attending Court, you can ultimately expect the case to take anywhere between three months and a year to be resolved and to produce a final order.

Due to the coronavirus pandemic, the process has slowed and is experiencing a major backlog. See my article Family Court Delays are Increasing for details.

Duration of Child Arrangement Orders

Child Arrangement Orders typically stay in effect until the children have reached 16 years of age, or 18 years of age in certain circumstances.  

Note that if the parents live together for a continuous period of more than 6 months while a Child Arrangement Order is in effect, then the Child Arrangement Order will automatically end.

Family Court Delays are Increasing

More than ever a solution to family disputes is needed that doesn’t involve the courts.

The Ministry of Justice (MOJ) report for the first quarter of 2022 shows that Family Court cases are now taking an average of more than 46 weeks to complete, compared to half that only five years ago, even though the number of cases is down 6% from the same quarter in 2021.

Looking at the breakdown of cases by type, it is reported that the average time for a supervision or care case to reach its first disposal was 49 weeks, an increase of six weeks compared to the first quarter of 2021, while only 17% of cases were disposed of in the first 26 weeks, a decrease of 5% from the same period a year earlier. The situation has been aggravated by the disruption of the COVID pandemic.

Such a timescale is not at all child-friendly and harms the concerned children and their relationships with their parents.

For a child even a few days can seem a long time when they are separated from one or both of their parents. It is essential to minimise any such separation by dealing with care cases as quickly as possible. 

For parents delays in care proceedings can result in feelings of hopelessness, frustration, depression, and separation anxiety. They may feel lost and abandoned by a family court system that is unable to act quickly and in the best interest of the children and their families. 

Family courts’ slow response and their unwillingness to penalise disobedience of court orders encourage non-compliance and send the message that the relationship with the non-custodial parent is not as valued as that with the custodial parent. There are cases where the child is denied any contact with the non-custodial parents for several years.

Impact on children who experience parental estrangement

Children with separated or divorced parents often feel a sense of moderate to severe estrangement from one or both of their parents. This impact is akin to that of child abuse, and a 2019 American study has shown that it can have long-lasting repercussions for the child, including mental health disorders like anxiety and depression, abandonment issues, emotional dysregulation, issues with identity development, PTSD, and poor relationships with friends, colleagues, and romantic partners.

These children are also at risk of developing behavioural issues like oppositional defiant disorders, ADHD, substance misuse, and negative academic or occupational performance.

Many of these children are anxious, confused, and angry, and are reluctant to meet their parents as they perceive they have been abandoned by them. Such children are also unable to form strong bonds with their foster or adoptive parents, in the cases where they are removed from their biological families.

Alternative to the courts for resolving family disputes

Many parents are unaware of any alternatives to the confrontational and overextended court system for resolving family disputes, however, since ancient times, and in many different cultures, mediation has been recognised as the preferable process for the resolution of differences. 

When it comes to the most difficult of disputes – that involving the parents’ relationships with their children – mediation is an alternative to court that engages the couple in a process to resolve the issues co-operatively rather than to go to battle over them.

When parents have hostile relations, the child is caught in the middle and suffers greatly. While it is not easy for the parents whose relationship has broken down, the rift will often affect the child for years. 

Mediation services put the child’s well-being first and can work with parents to keep their relationship intact or at least respectful, and to find a solution that satisfies the child and the parents.

If the child is being adopted, mediation can help biological parents and adoptive parents reach agreeable arrangements without resorting to long and aggressive court battles.

According to top family lawyer Janet Bazley, many cases that involve children, other than those involving domestic abuse, can be resolved through mediation or arbitration.

  • Mediation offers a fast and more affordable way to resolve family disputes, unlike court systems that can take years to resolve a dispute and cost a lot. These factors can make the process of conflict resolution through court prohibitively difficult.
  • Mediation focuses on maintaining an amicable relationship between parents and the child and encourages both parties to look at the situation with open minds to avoid escalation and resolve conflicts.
  • Another downside of the court process is that it is the judge who makes the final decision on the outcome of the dispute. Through mediation, parents can remain in control of the process and co-operatively reach an agreement that is in the child’s and their best interests.
  • Mediation is a confidential process, so parents need not worry about a court reporter being present or the contents of the sessions being used against them.

How Salam Mediation can help resolve family disputes

At Salam Mediation, we are committed to promoting a mutually beneficial relationship between the disputing parties through impartial and judgment-free mediation.

We offer highly effective alternative solutions for families who want to work out their issues and find an acceptable solution for complex issues like divorce, child arrangement, and financial settlement.

Unlike court hearings that take a lot of time, Salam Mediation’s services are quick, affordable, and unbiased, and have a high rate of success by allowing parents more control over the decisions that affect their child’s future.

We can help you voice your concerns in a confidential setting and can prevent the issue from escalating further. What makes us stand apart from others is that we genuinely care about the well-being of your family.

Mum or Dad – When can a child vote with their feet?

Have you ever wondered at what age a child can decide which parent to live with in case of separation? Typically, older children are asked for their preferences. However, it doesn’t mean younger children cannot have firm opinions on the matter. Let’s study the Children Act 1989 and the child’s voice to learn more about this matter.
 
The legal age for a child to decide which parent they want to live with
In the legal world, there is no fixed age to determine when a child can voice their preference regarding where they want to live. However, they cannot legally decide who they want to live with until they are 16 years of age. Once they reach that age, they can choose which parent to live with. The exception to this rule is a Court Order that mandates them to live with one parent until they are 17 or 18.

If you and your ex can agree on where the child will live, you can avoid costly and exhaustive court battles. But if you cannot do that and have applied for custody, the judge will take your child’s opinion into account as long as the court deems them to be at an age where they understand the situation, which is typically when they turn 12 or 13. However, the age bracket can vary from child to child. The court might also consider a child’s wishes under 12 but will give less weight to them.
 
The Child’s Welfare Checklist
In family law, the significant consideration is to come to a decision that serves the child’s best interest. It’s why the court and other involved professionals must refer to the following criteria of the welfare checklist in Section 1(3) Children Act 1989:
  • The discoverable wishes and feelings of the child
  • The child’s educational, physical, and emotional needs
  • How the court’s decision and impending lifestyle changes will affect the child
  • The child’s age, sex, background, and anything else that might be relevant
  • Any harm the child has already suffered or is at risk of suffering
  • The capability of the parents or guardians meeting the child’s needs
  • The court’s powers in the given proceedings
 
CAFCASS’s significant role
Children are not expected to go to court or speak to the lawyer or judge in these cases. It’s why the court obtains a report from the Family Court Advisory and Support Services (CAFCASS) that deems whether it’s appropriate to speak to the child or children of a broken family. They ensure to approach the topic with the utmost care and age-appropriate way. They will ask the child how they feel about their existing arrangement and if they would like to spend less or more time with either parent. The CAFCASS officer will keep the child’s age and responses in mind when giving their recommendation to the court.
 
Equal parenting rights
In cases in which the child was born after 1st December 2003, both parents were equal parental responsibilities. However, if the father is not named on the child’s birth certificate, he will not be held responsible for the child.
 
The responsibility can be recovered by entering a Parental Responsibility Agreement or applying to the court for a Parental Responsibility Order. Without parental responsibility, a father cannot have any say in their major life decisions, such as change of schools, child’s medical treatment and relocation, etc.
 
Seek family law solicitors
If you cannot reach an agreement with your ex about your child’s responsibility and whom they should live with, reach out to a reliable family law solicitor. An experienced solicitor will guide you to consider your child’s needs and how your on-going conflict could affect them.
 
They will encourage you to choose mediation, a process that will allow both parties to discuss child arrangements under the guidance of a specially trained mediator. It will enable them to reach a mutual decision about the primary caregiver and agree on how much time their child will spend with the non-resident parent. If mediation does not work, you can send a letter to the other party detailing the terms that suit you. If that does not work either, you will need to apply to the court for a Child Arrangement Order. The court will consider CAFCASS’s report and take the voice of the child into account. The ultimate decision it makes will be to serve the child’s best interest.
 
Salam Mediation will help you reach a decision about your child’s custody. We offer our expert mediation services to families to help them resolve financial, parental, and other conflicts. Our mediators provide confidential and impartial guidance to help smoothen the mediation process. 
 
A child’s decision can change their living situation
If the court orders the child to live with one parent, but the child wants to live with the other, the parents can agree on that outside of court. However, this comes with the parent’s risk with primary care changing their mind and keeping the child with them. In such cases, an application to the court will become vital to attain a revised court order.
 
The bottom line
The Children Act 1989 dictates that a child can willingly and legally leave a parent’s house without permission at 16. However, the parent will be responsible for them until they turn 18. It does not specify the age at which a child can decide which parent to live with.

End the Blame Game: ‘No-Fault Divorce’ is on its way

The Divorce, Dissolution, and Separation Bill – welcoming no-fault divorces in the UK
The UK is all set to enforce a Divorce, Dissolution, and Separation bill that will finally ensure that divorcing couples don’t have to blame one another for the breakdown of their marriage. This bill, meant to be enforced on 6th April 2022, will welcome no-fault divorces in the UK and reduce family conflicts between divorcing individuals.

This divorce and separation bill is inarguably the biggest shake-up in divorce laws in more than 50 years as it will directly target the archaic blame game, which has been part of English divorce law since 1660. The new bill will give way to no-fault divorces, which have been the norm in jurisdictions worldwide, such as the US, Australia, Canada, etc.

Let’s explore the divorce bill in more detail!
Currently, one of the partners has to make an accusation regarding the conduct of the other partner, citing unreasonable behaviour, desertion, adultery, etc. Otherwise, they will have to face years of legal separation (at least two or five years) before the court will grant them a divorce. The same is true for mutual divorces.

Out of every five marriage dissolution petitions from the past three years, almost three depend on conduct-based evidence and two on separation-based rulings. From 2016 to 2018, behavioural complaints accounted for 46.7% of all the petitions (47.1% when combined with adultery.)

The new bill, first introduced in June 2019, has now been brought up again following the general election. It aims to remove this blame game from the equation as it will allow either spouses or both to make a statement of their divorce. This reform that is set to take effect in April will prevent one of the divorcing parties from contesting the divorce in most cases when their partner wants to end the marriage. It will prevent domestic abusers from exercising control over their victims.

An overview of the bill
This reform will help divorcing couples separate amicably instead of exacerbating their conflict, which will also affect their child if they have any. It will help the family move on with their lives and enables the ex-partners to form a healthy co-parenting relationship.

According to academic research, the US saw a one-third decrease in domestic violence and a 10% decrease in the murder rate of women by their partners in states that followed the no-fault divorce after Ronald Regan introduced the country’s first no-contest divorce in 1969.

The Divorce, Dissolution, and Separation Bill will:

  • Replace the blame-game with a statement of irretrievable breakdown
  • Strip away the power of contesting the decision to end the marriage from either party
  • Introduce a minimum period of 20 weeks between the start of the proceedings to the court’s confirmation of divorce

The government will also make parallel changes to the law governing the end of a civil partnership as it largely mirrors the legal process taken for the dissolution of marriage. Lastly, the bill will not apply to other areas of matrimonial law, such as the division of finances, as they are handled in separate court proceedings. With that said, this monumental bill is undoubtedly a welcome change in divorce laws that have been in existence for centuries now, and it will welcome the era of no-fault divorces in the UK!

Further reading:
Government website: Divorce ‘blame game’ to end
Resolution: Get ready for no-fault divorce

How do Muslim women pursue divorce in the UK?

Marriage is considered a significant part of the Muslim faith, and young adults are encouraged to participate in it as a part of their religious actions. It is a religious act that pleases Allah and offers young Muslim individuals a chance to grow their faith through a Nikkah (marriage).

Unfortunately, as with all marriages, Muslim marriages do not always work out. There are numerous reasons why Muslim women in the UK would wish to pursue divorce. It could be a simple reason like finding out they simply don’t get along with their husband or a cause of concern like domestic violence.

Whatever the case may be, Muslims marry and divorce based on the customs, traditions, and laws of their countries of origin. As discussed by Dr Islam Uddin (PhD Candidate, School of Law, Middlesex University) in his research on Muslim Family Law, marriage is considered as a binding ‘religio-legal’ contract between two individuals upon their Nikkah.

On the other hand, English law follows a monolithic system in which marriage and divorce are both legislated in accordance with Marriage Act 1949 and Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. This means that a marriage will only be considered valid in the UK if it takes place in an approved building and is certified by an authorised individual.

Unfortunately, this is where the problem occurs when women try to pursue a divorce in the UK. Since ‘Nikkah only’ ceremonies are unregistered, they have no legal recognition in the UK. In his research, Dr Islam Uddin points out how these unregistered marriages can cause women great grief if they try to pursue divorce as they can’t reach out to family courts. 
 
Understanding Islamic divorces
In Islam, women are given limited measures to seek divorce. If their husbands refuse to give them talaq, they are required to reach out to a religious authority to be released through khula or faksh. Since the Muslim community doesn’t accept secular divorces, women with a civil divorce are still considered married as per the Islamic community. This can create endless problems for Muslim women who wish to exit toxic, harmful marriages and start a new life for themselves. That is why Dr Islam Uddin carried out his research on how Muslim women pursue a divorce in the UK. He also analysed the problems they face and how the community reacts to such decisions.
 
The candidates of his study included 2nd-gen British Muslim women residing in London. Most of these women were in their mid-thirties to early forties, and they received a formal British education while also continuing forward to go to college. Despite these positive circumstances, participants pointed out how they weren’t allowed to leave their house or even talk to people on the ‘outside’. Their mothers-in-law had issues with the marriage, and there were instances of cheating as well.
 
Most Muslim women experienced increased pressure from their families to reconcile with their husbands, and some were even told that divorce simply wasn’t an option. This is a common occurrence in Muslim families across the globe, as divorce is seen as an embarrassment to the family, and their reputation is ‘tarnished’. 
 
Issues faced by Muslim women seeking divorce
In the research, Dr Islam Uddin points out how the divorce process for couples with a civil registered marriage differs. Some prefer opting for a civil divorce before seeking out a religious divorce, while others do it the other way around.
 
Limited knowledge 
Numerous participants mentioned how they barely had any information regarding the civil process and had to depend on others to make sense of it. A woman mentioned that her husband simply walked out, and she later heard from his solicitor, which was quite a frightening experience. Another candidate mentioned that her husband gave talaq, but she still had to get a civil divorce done to officiate the end of her marriage.  
Unfortunately, people don’t always realise the proper way to give talaq. One of the participants recalled being separated from her husband, who one day came and sat her in the car only to say ‘I’m divorcing you’ thrice. This isn’t the right way to give an Islamic divorce, but most people don’t realise that.
 
Forceful reconciliation 
Even Imams and Muslim scholars tend to get it wrong when it comes to the correct way of giving an Islamic divorce. Women are often asked to seek help from the mosque or reach out to an Imam, who will then try to get the couple to reconcile instead of offering the right advice to proceed with the divorce. In the study, a woman was even told that domestic violence wasn’t a good enough reason to seek a divorce, which is absolutely outrageous and a clear misconstruction of Islamic laws.

“Give women ‘you wed’ their due dowries (Mahr) graciously. But if they waive some of it willingly, then you may enjoy it freely with a clear conscience..” (Quran 4:4)

Islamic marriages require the groom to pay mahr, which is any kind of monetary good, property or even service, to the bride. The mahr should be paid to the bride either before the Nikkah or any time the bride demands it. Moreover, the mahr becomes the bride’s property solely as soon as the marriage is consummated.

One of the biggest issues that Muslim women face is getting their rightful mahr. Muslim men are required to pay mahr before the Nikkah, but this isn’t common practice in the Asian subcontinent. This creates a classic case of culture and traditions taking precedence over Islamic teachings, and most women end up losing out on their mahr because the men simply refuse to give it.

Women usually just abandon the mahr and end the marriage because they simply cannot stay stuck in this loop forever. The Imams and the mosques should emphasise the need for men to pay mahr and make it a mandatory condition of the marriage. Additionally, Dr Islam Uddin’s study discovered that most of these men who portrayed themselves as broke and unable to pay ended up remarrying rather quickly. They faced no backlash or questioning from the Muslim community, while the women were labelled and considered solely responsible for the divorce.

The need for reconciliation services 

In the study, numerous solicitors and even Imamas agree that couples need counselling before their problems escalate to an unsolvable measure. Unfortunately, seeking marriage counselling or mediation is considered shameful in the Muslim community. This causes most couples to fight out their issues instead of actually resolving them, leading to divorces.

It is also important to note that family involvement in the marriage only makes things worse. Women turn to their families for support but end up being told to let go of the issues and bear with them for the sake of the marriage. They will quote from the Quran that issues in a marriage should be mediated by the family, not realising that ‘family’ in this context refers to someone trustworthy who has extensive knowledge of the religion.

Only people who truly understand Islamic rulings while also knowing the couple individually and coming from a similar culture can mediate Muslim marriages. 

However, if the couple realises that they simply cannot stay together any longer, the families are supposed to accept their decision. That is where Salam Mediation comes in to offer Muslim couples the mediation services they need to ensure a smooth divorce process. 

Reach out to us today for further help or guidance regarding a divorce support.

How do muslim women pursue divorce?
As per the study, Imams pointed out that Islamic divorces are simple and quick; however, there is a difference in opinion when it comes to the status of a civil divorce as compared to an Islamic talaq. The Hanafi (one of the schools of jurisprudence) opinion concludes that a husband signing consent is enough for an Islamic divorce, but other sects disagree. Additionally, an SC Judge pointed out that husbands can contest the divorce, which requires them to apply Islamic jurisprudence to the matter.

The study concluded the narratives of the women and experts were quite similar, and there was a clear problem in the way Muslim men proceed with divorces. Most men fail to act responsibly in such circumstances, and this is only fueled further by a lack of knowledge about Islamic talaq.



Reach out to Islamic mediation experts 

At Salam Mediation, we understand how difficult a divorce can be, even without any complications. But, when certain complications do enter your divorce proceedings, it makes matters so much tougher. 

Therefore, we offer expert mediation services to guide you every step of the way. From financial settlements to parental responsibility arrangements etc., we will be your rock through the civil and Islamic divorce.